titanic was an inside job

Stand-Up Comic. Sitcom Enthusiast. Talks About Sports I Can’t Play.

[titanic was an inside job @parkerdylan76]

a couple convoy guys asked me the direction of the nearest lcbo. i told them to keep going south on elgin. i officially got rid of more protesters than the police

[titanic was an inside job @parkerdylan76]

Star Wars taught me that all problems can be solved by blowing up a main reactor

[titanic was an inside job @parkerdylan76]

Nobody:

Toronto: A Firkin Pub

[titanic was an inside job @parkerdylan76]

I recently liquidated my assets by spending my entire paycheque on beer

[titanic was an inside job @parkerdylan76]

I love that Captains Boil has DJ nights. Picturing some dude vibing on the dance floor with gloves and a bib, wrist deep in a bag of seafood.

[titanic was an inside job @parkerdylan76]

The titanic is just padding stats at this point

[titanic was an inside job @parkerdylan76]

Musk and Zuckerberg are going to fight in a cage match? As if those nerds need a cage to contain them slapping each other

[titanic was an inside job @parkerdylan76]

Customer: I know the owner of this place

Me: Oh you mean God?!?!

[titanic was an inside job @parkerdylan76]

911 Operator: First responders are on the way

Me: I already yelled "OH SHIT" after it happened so just an ambulance will be fine

[titanic was an inside job @parkerdylan76]

Wave pools would be much safer if the lifeguards had guns

[titanic was an inside job @parkerdylan76]

Panic! At the Great Glebe Garage Sale

[annoying girl rights activist @chillona3]

Literally not a single soul:

Every night omw home: 🎶 under the chemtrails uplands and country club 🎶

[titanic was an inside job @parkerdylan76]

Whoever named thumbs really nailed that shit. They be thumbin

[titanic was an inside job @parkerdylan76]

What makes people who wear flip flops so confident they won’t have to run anywhere??

[titanic was an inside job @parkerdylan76]

I lucid dream while I’m awake. It’s called thinking about stuff

[titanic was an inside job @parkerdylan76]

I have a reoccurring nightmare where I’m trapped in a conversation with someone telling me about their dreams

[titanic was an inside job @parkerdylan76]

*pees in a water fountain*

What?? There’s drain!!

[titanic was an inside job @parkerdylan76]

I am also putting in my bid for Ottawa Senators ownership.

I’m offering $40, some weed and a spot on Open Mic Mondays

[titanic was an inside job @parkerdylan76]

Study’s show that a nap can increase productivity.

This discovery was conveniently made minutes before a researcher was caught at their desk sleeping

[titanic was an inside job @parkerdylan76]

Hello, I hope this email finds you despite being crammed between 75 Uber emails