laur

#1 mac n cheese fan ⟡ DNI: -17/sh/gore ⟡ priv: @pastapathetic

[laur @pastaaagh]

𐔌 ₊ edtwt intro ᶻ 𝗓 𐰁 ꒱.

ᯓ 20 // an-bp → idfk // lw 15s
ᯓ lifelong arfid + ana for 9yrs
ᯓ also dx asd did ocd et cetera
ᯓ i yap about dnp, dr, enst + music

⤷ dni under 17, shtwt, proana, fatphobia
⤷ ♡ / ↻ for moots

[laur @pastaaagh]

@trixyybr so "Oh i just change a lot" or calling it something vague just feels kind of false, even if it's true on the outside i guess? idk. it's hard. i don't feel like i'll ever be happy until i can hold an identity, but that won't happen until i can work on integration in therapy :/

[laur @pastaaagh]

i hate my brain and my inability to hold a solid identity. i never feel certain for more than a day and it's not fair. i absorb the identity of whatever or whoever I'm interacting with and i can't stop it. it feels completely real and even when I'm alone it changes too kill me

[laur @pastaaagh]

@trixyybr ty :( it is really confusing and i wish i could just say 'ok i guess i'm just a very fluid person, i don't need to figure this out' but that doesn't feel right to me either, in each moment whatever identity i align with feels right and all past ones are incomprehensible

[laur @pastaaagh]

@dullscum oh yeah i wouldn't show them something like that 😭 iswym

[laur @pastaaagh]

help there's this guy i met off facebook a few months ago while looking for a roommate who lives where i'm moving to and he's nice but i find him really annoying and idk how to get him to stop messaging without hurting his feelings 😭

[laur @pastaaagh]

@fatbeyondrepair i don't get why people would lie, wouldn't they feel bad for it? or know they would get found out because everyone can see who they follow? if you're going to be an asshole at least be honest about it... i would hope they followed on accident or something :(

[laur @pastaaagh]

smoking is bad kids don't do it

[laur @pastaaagh]

thinking about how the boys got introduced to cigarettes at 9 years old and were so thoroughly put off by how controlling and annoying the anti-smoking people were that they now think that smoking is actually way cooler 😭 i love seeing ppl draw them as teens who smoke tbh

[laur @pastaaagh]

@autisticbish i lvoe you

[laur @pastaaagh]

in the car with my grandma and my family and my mom goes "look how many pride flags there are, laur! for you!" mother please

[laur @pastaaagh]

@autisticbish pride month was made for me!

[laur @pastaaagh]

why did i get cursed I didn't do anything and my parents love me even if they suck sometimes I don't understand why my brain decided i can't cope with life so it can't form a solid identity i wish i could fucking die i dont want to live like this whats wrong with me

[laur @pastaaagh]

i want to die how can i live like this i can't understand myself nothing makes sense i have no real identity all i have is my stupid interests I'm not a real person how can i exist

[laur @pastaaagh]

i know it's an issue of DID or BPD but i wish i could put my brain in a meat grinder and fucking die

[laur @pastaaagh]

I'll sob over not being born a boy and then an hour later I'm convinced I'm a girl lesbian it makes no sense and i can't stick with anything but none of the identities that would technically describe it from the outside (genderfluid bisexual etc) feel fitting at all either

[laur @pastaaagh]

and it probably won't get easier, just easier to hide

[laur @pastaaagh]

❓ umm maybe dad is just worried about your vehicle safety?

💬 I'm not sure the ability of my car to charge my phone is gonna impact how safe i am while driving? https://t.co/WC3kSa5oZp

[laur @pastaaagh]

I'm just sad i wish anybody cared

[laur @pastaaagh]

I'm sorry for complaining so much today I'm ungrateful and uncharitable 😕