patrick thornton

right as rain

[patrick thornton @patandalsorick]

(i attempt to wink flirtily but you can tell physiologically it is more like the winks that dogs do when tired)

[patrick thornton @patandalsorick]

trash compactors make the trash compacter

[patrick thornton @patandalsorick]

apologies for any mistakes thus far. english is my first language. i'm sure i'll do better with the next one

[patrick thornton @patandalsorick]

finger functions: approbation, indication, condemnation, consummation, obligation

[patrick thornton @patandalsorick]

Feb 12, 1901
Saw something ominous. This may be my last entry.

Feb 13, 1901
An ill omen. If anyone reads this, I have met a wretched fate.

Feb 14, 1901
Dire portents today. Black daws. Last entry maybe.

Feb 15, 1901
I have reason to believe that this may be my last entry

[patrick thornton @patandalsorick]

there's this whole other tier of HOV lane that only clown cars can use

[patrick thornton @patandalsorick]

the verb 'intimate' has etymological roots extending all the way back to ancient roman military procedure, where it denoted the act of killing every introvert in a standing army as punishment

[patrick thornton @patandalsorick]

i'm a bigfoot truther. i don't believe bigfoot exists

[patrick thornton @patandalsorick]

everybody at this aquarium is staring shamelessly through windows into habitats like some kind of pervert

[patrick thornton @patandalsorick]

i'm so sick of the blatant favoritism of these judges in this cooking show i'm watching. they pretend to think about it and argue over it but they always just pick whichever meal was their favorite

[patrick thornton @patandalsorick]

there has to be something else to differentiate the knights of the round table than the really rather unexceptional shape of the table they sat at

[patrick thornton @patandalsorick]

they need to make bigger capri-suns. i'm not a child anymore

[patrick thornton @patandalsorick]

Could I order a delicious, scrumptious, mouthwatering burger with a side of delectable, appetizing, flavorful fries?

[patrick thornton @patandalsorick]

at the office making two laptops spoon. they fit so perfectly together. maybe they were made to do this instead of evict stale cache entries

[patrick thornton @patandalsorick]

taxing billionaires is actually rather unsound policy from an economic perspective because if it happens i will get really upset and start harming all the people in the world

[patrick thornton @patandalsorick]

i'd absolutely cut off my littlest finger for $1,000,000. no question about it. afterward i'd have $1,000,000 and a bigger littlest finger

[patrick thornton @patandalsorick]

yep, i'm ionized. guilty as charged

[patrick thornton @patandalsorick]

every time i'm in the small talk part at the start of a meeting i entertain that small mad hope that this time it doesn't have to end, this talk of you and i and the changes of the year, that we can stay here, that we can stay here where it's warm

[patrick thornton @patandalsorick]

DISTURBING: Man Pours Molten Ice Down Own Throat

[patrick thornton @patandalsorick]

there's literally no evidence the dodo bird is extinct. what, are you gonna show me a spot where a dodo bird isn't? how convincing. your "evidence" is literally nothing