Pedro

[Pedro @pedrosjokes]

@VanAilwood Thank you sir!

[Pedro @pedrosjokes]

I was hooking up with this woman on my bed and she stopped to ask, “How many women have slept on this bed?” I said, “Like 50.” And she said, “Is that part of the comedian lifestyle?” And I said, “Yeah, if I weren’t a comedian I wouldn’t Airbnb my room every weekend to make rent.”

[Pedro @pedrosjokes]

Watching It: Chapter two is the scariest thing you’ll ever do at the movies, unless you’ve ever tried to put your arm around a girl you like at the movies.

[Pedro @pedrosjokes]

A catholic school in Tennessee banned the Harry Potter books for containing ‘actual spells and curses.’ Even weirder, they didn’t ban Trump tweets, which are nothing but misspells and curses.

[Pedro @pedrosjokes]

The mayor of Rio @MCrivella ordered a raid at a book fair to confiscate a copy of an Avengers comic book that shows two young men kissing. I’m thinking, ‘Why are you so worried, dude? If your kid is reading Avengers he’s in no danger of kissing anyone anytime soon.’

[Pedro @pedrosjokes]

A @dunkindonuts sponsored race is kind of like a Marvel sponsored sex party, or a Cinabon sponsored bikini contest.

[Pedro @pedrosjokes]

I did an interview about all the comedy wisdom I possess, and you should listen to me, I've already put 10,000 hours waiting to perform at open mics.

https://t.co/1Y5vgHN8HZ

#comedy

[Pedro @pedrosjokes]

In countries with responsible gun and healthcare laws a man with 28 teeth can own one gun that shoots about 9 bullets per minute. In the U.S. a man with 9 teeth can own a weapon that shoots 28 bullets per minute.

[Pedro @pedrosjokes]

Being uncircumcised in the U.S. is like wearing a turban: people mock you, others feel afraid of you, and they especially hate to see you wearing your head covered on airplanes.

[Pedro @pedrosjokes]

I went to school with a bunch of liberal arts majors who stayed in college too long protesting and trying to bring down the system the system. They're probably still out there making a difference by crafting anarchy signs on cappuccinos.
#college

[Pedro @pedrosjokes]

Epstein went to purgatory but so do all unbaptized minors so that's not good.
#EpsteinSuicide

[Pedro @pedrosjokes]

People who tell you not to date someone from your office never felt the thrill of holding an excited coworker in your arms behind closed doors, breathing hard, as you whisper in their ear to be quiet cuz you don't want others to hear her scream, 'Who's that bitch on Instagram?'

[Pedro @pedrosjokes]

I wonder if I could get more dates if instead of Pedro Gonzalez my name was Mario Lopez @mariolopezviva