jokes for no one

internet celebrity, music person, pretty sure my dogs think i'm cool

[jokes for no one @percussionate]

Ms Rachel (on the car stereo): Can you pretend to be a crab?

My son (just turned 2), a few seconds later: CRAAAAAAAAAB

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Big Bird's voice is Eeyore who started taking antidepressants that are *just* starting to work

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The blood is the covenant!

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@DailyZeitgeist @jack_obrien @milesofgray I had to make sure you knew where the Toam Hain trailers came from. Podcast worlds colliding! @dudesypodshow UNCLE BUS https://t.co/N186Q4Evc5 DARBY https://t.co/5GL6ucLfRr All Tomas Hinkle tent up to 2 wks ago https://t.co/idBt3fRVIL

[jokes for no one @percussionate]

Part 1/? of a series "This Might Be My Last Tweet"

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@Soren_Ltd And here I thought I thought I had such hot shit bragging rights because I'm such great pals with Nancy Pelosi

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explain why all customer service hold music sounds like the scene in soylent green where you're about to be euthanized

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@daedaePIVOT White supremacy

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i even tried (mostly) less-lethal...gotta know when to fold em, I guess

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i really really tried but they won't let me have any fun

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COME ON DAMN IT

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@DOB_INC PLEASE KEEP THE PUNS COMING

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i mean spot tf on

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@daedaePIVOT

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@isMeguca I was so happy when Chris vaporized in Infinity War and even happier when John got magic murdered in this, and now you just reminded me that those two assholes now occupy the MCU and I'm just...so bummed out.

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@MDude3546 I haven't done any research to confirm this (and if I've seen any of the F4 movies, I've forgotten them completely), but I've heard Mr. Fantastic is kind of a piece of shit. That's the only quality I can conceive of that makes Krasinski a good choice.

[jokes for no one @percussionate]

@The_Hobbit_King At least that aspect of his real-life personality matches up with the character

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@tristessayt THANK YOU. I had to look at 500 tweets kissing his ass to find someone who agrees with me

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i realize my retweet is worthless but let's make Dylan go viral errbody

[daedaePIVOT @daedaePIVOT]

just realized atlanta is spelled the same forwards and backwards

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@daedaePIVOT Johnny Two-Dicks