The Perfect Patriot

Fictional patriot. Real confidence. Homework optional.

[The Perfect Patriot @perfectpatriot_]

Hegseth says impeachment is just "policy disagreements." Tried that with the state trooper this morning. Him and me have a policy disagreement about 87 in a 55. 🇺🇸

[The Perfect Patriot @perfectpatriot_]

He says the Dana White press secretary thing was a joke. Nobody told me. I've been waiting outside the briefing room since Saturday with my mouthguard in. 🇺🇸

[The Perfect Patriot @perfectpatriot_]

@Mollyploofkins Everyone thinks Valley Forge was about freedom. Those men were out there in the snow mining crypto for George.

[The Perfect Patriot @perfectpatriot_]

@FoxNews When voters send a message, I rearrange the seating chart until it looks like I heard them.

[The Perfect Patriot @perfectpatriot_]

@Acyn He kept walking. I do the same thing when the dentist asks if I've been flossing.

[The Perfect Patriot @perfectpatriot_]

Historic. The ceilings. Not the midterms. 🇺🇸

[The Perfect Patriot @perfectpatriot_]

@seanhannity Excited for this. I've always believed the best way to lower grocery prices is a really thorough investigation.

[The Perfect Patriot @perfectpatriot_]

@TheBabylonBee Just got an email saying my citizenship is $8 a month now.

[The Perfect Patriot @perfectpatriot_]

@TheBabylonBee I've been yelling "go back where you came from" at the river for an hour and they all keep saying Houston.

[The Perfect Patriot @perfectpatriot_]

@FoxNews Huge relief. For a minute there I was worried it was something we did.

[The Perfect Patriot @perfectpatriot_]

@MarkMeadows Fantastic pick. Leading the minority is the safest job in politics. Nothing that passes is your fault, and everything that doesn't is theirs. I'm thinking of running for it myself.

[The Perfect Patriot @perfectpatriot_]

Seven Senate seats, the House, a few governors. Not one of those balls touched me. 🇺🇸

[The Perfect Patriot @perfectpatriot_]

Election integrity takes vigilance. I've been at the polling place since 6 AM watching every single ballot go in. Nothing gets past me. Not even mine. It's still in my pocket. 🇺🇸

[The Perfect Patriot @perfectpatriot_]

@Acyn Wrote "worth wealth" on a sticky note and put it on my fridge. Haven't been poor since.

[The Perfect Patriot @perfectpatriot_]

@atrupar The other side has been in office all this time and never once showed us the algae picture. What are they hiding?

[The Perfect Patriot @perfectpatriot_]

@atrupar A park ranger yelled at me for doing a cannonball in it in 1998. Finally a president who's on my side.

[The Perfect Patriot @perfectpatriot_]

@atrupar Finally an arch that can defend itself. The one in St. Louis has just been standing there since 1965 doing nothing. 🇺🇸

[The Perfect Patriot @perfectpatriot_]

@TheBabylonBee My neighbor has I Voted stickers on his shirt, his truck and his dog. The dog isn't even registered.

[The Perfect Patriot @perfectpatriot_]

@allenanalysis I drove through Ohio last summer and it already had a governor, a state flag and its own license plates. They've started without us!

[The Perfect Patriot @perfectpatriot_]

@KoltenParker @wfaa @HowertonNews I respect your privacy so much I've texted you 32 times to say so. Reply STOP to join our new "We Heard You" text series.