Dave

i have kept succesfully kept a baby alive for over a year, which won me my office pool. Father of limbo contest winner. Aspirational non-face-toucher.

[EGYPT HQ @EgyptCEO]

hello @mexico please lockdown ALL OF YOUR MUSEUMS until the English have left the country

[Dave @perry200]

Part of accepting middle age is realizing that milk is now the musical fruit.

[🦇 @D3LLANDREA]

little bitch tears from carter hart #LIKED

[Dave @perry200]

PK: I’ve never fought for anything in my life. I’m going to fight for this hat.

[NHL Insider Max Pacioretty @NHLlnsider67]

John Tortorella pulling Carter Hart

[Matt 🍉 @matt_nid]

wow what a statement goal from brett howden, such a change in testimony from the player he used to be

google “brett howden changed his testimony” for more info

[Sara @SaraCivian]

Oh my god they’re doing a “no means no” chant throughout the Arena after Hart played the puck

[Ben Crew @BenjaminCrew1]

It's called "improv comedy"

[Dave @perry200]

No pressure to @RiloKiley , but if they don’t play A Man/Me/Then Jim after I drag my teen age daughter all the way to Chicago, she’s going to make the trip home unpleasant.

[Dave @perry200]

Medication I’m taking instructs that I’m to take 2 pills (A) at bedtime, and (B) with food. Well if you insist.

[David @DavidCBets]

HOCKEY DOES NOT BELONG IN THE SOUTH

THIS was the crowd in Lenovo Center for Game 5 last night. Embarrassing.

[Dave @perry200]

The Afghan Whigs are the best thing in the world and I got to see them last night and I do not take that for granted.

[Gary Fatterson (Big 12 propagandist) @garyfattersonBU]

You cannot sit here and watch Texas Tech’s downfall in real time and tell me there is no God.

[Paul Sherman @PaulMSherman]

On the phone, @DoorDash_Help explained that they wouldn’t refund the stolen $428.07 because that was “a lot of money.” Which is funny, because my wife and I thought the same thing when @DoorDash allowed it to be stolen from us.

[parker fleming @statsowar]

"Football's a complicated game. The media try to make it a soap opera because they understand soap operas better than they do football. Most of them don't study the game. They don't really see it. I don't think most of them even really like it. They listen to other people who don't know, either, and formulate their opinions based on that. There's not depth to it. They latch on to everything that doesn't matter and forget about the game."

-Tom Coughlin, quoted in THE GM by Tom Callahan

[Sara @SaraCivian]

It’s surreal to see NBA twitter get introduced to Tom Dundon lol

[Dave @perry200]

The five Bs of bodgeball: Bonk, Bump, Barkey, Brink, and Bonk.

[aoife ★🦈 @harrbrini]

what’s going on with the names in philly….

[emma @do_not_test_me]

i could look up the word “the” using gmail’s search function and it would gleefully tell me i have never sent or received an email containing that word in my entire life

[Dave @perry200]

@metzgov Josh Mandel