Pete Parsons

is this thing on?

[Pete Parsons @PeterJParsons]

Redneck: Trailer

Privileged white person: Tiny House

[Pete Parsons @PeterJParsons]

Hey @ASPCA really don’t appreciate being called a faggot when I decline to donate while walking down the street minding my own business.

[Pete Parsons @PeterJParsons]

Walked past somebody saying “my crepe wasn’t filled right” while walking out of a crepe restaurant and now I’ll be saying that every time I feel ripped off.

[Pete Parsons @PeterJParsons]

The next thing us libs should appropriate is the MAGA clothing style. We’ve taken beer, bic pens and whiskey let’s take their merch away too.

[Pete Parsons @PeterJParsons]

Game recognize game #tedcruz

[Pete Parsons @PeterJParsons]

@laurenboebert @Jim_Jordan Didn’t he ask you not to? Then again consent is not something y’all typically worry about.

[𝗗𝗘𝗔𝗗𝗦𝗢𝗨𝗡𝗗 💀 @DeadsoundApp]

Pretty wild & wonderful that this exists: Wilco in-store at Repeat the Beat in Royal Oak, MI, in June 1995. Just another example of music history that simply wouldn't exist if a taper hadn't been in attendance.

[Pete Parsons @PeterJParsons]

We are living in a period that will be talked about by genealogists centuries from now

“Well this lineage stopped when the last male heir chose to find himself by working in a trendy coffee shop their whole life instead of having children”

#spinsterproud

[Pete Parsons @PeterJParsons]

If I ran a business school it would be one course and it would be called “How to look busy at your desk and do just enough to not get put on a performance improvement plan and also not get more responsibilities”

[Pete Parsons @PeterJParsons]

Where do I shop for card stock for personal thank you notes that are made of such exquisite and exclusive paper material that people think I’m a total psychopath?

[Pete Parsons @PeterJParsons]

Sorry @JeffTweedy according to my fiancé you’re no Elton John. Ya can’t win em all. I’m still #teamjeff.

[Pete Parsons @PeterJParsons]

@mparkin2 It’s why we’re traveling to Dallas when they’re in town. Can’t wait!

[Pete Parsons @PeterJParsons]

@DorothyWest1956 Not now robot

[Pete Parsons @PeterJParsons]

It’s not the ice cream that’s causing my diabetes, it’s the unlocked door into the store.

#TedCruzChildMassacre

[Pete Parsons @PeterJParsons]

Scat music is just music made the night before it was due.

[Pete Parsons @PeterJParsons]

I don’t have a job I just have 8 hours a day that don’t belong to me anymore

[Pete Parsons @PeterJParsons]

Cat trees really class down the joint

[Pete Parsons @PeterJParsons]

It’s the perfect time to buy office supplies

[Pete Parsons @PeterJParsons]

Me on Monday so I can eat like shit for the rest of the week. https://t.co/D6CqvBVbbg

[Pete Parsons @PeterJParsons]

For any answer on Jeopardy that involves a king, and the other two contestants guess John and Henry, you have a 100% chance at getting it right if you guess King George.

[Pete Parsons @PeterJParsons]

This would have been very bad for me if y’all had this option while I lived around the corner. I’d take a 20 and stay there all day.

[George's Ice Cream @GeorgesIceCream]

Happy Friday! Try our $1 mini cone at George’s for a cute sweet treat