pid

schizo addict

[pid @pid0ozj]

YO I COULDN'T PAY MY BILL

[pid @pid0ozj]

like, i got a lot of love inside of me, and i just need someone to see that for a short while, to see me. because i like making others feel special and happy. and the people i wanna give that to don't want it from me, it freaks them out and they can't match it, so i go on my own

[pid @pid0ozj]

i accept the people i don't necessarily choose, but i wouldn't say they're like a relationship either, they're more like stand-ins, you get love and i get something to pour it into. till i get bored and i'm pooped out, and i finally get my head outta the gutters and onto my work

[pid @pid0ozj]

the bigger question here is, how tf do i keep finding these people? and do i just give off like yucky friend vibes that unintentionally tell others to like just not take me seriously, or see me as like an actual option, am i legit just a vacation to them or what

[pid @pid0ozj]

holy shit, have i been mega bestfriend-zoned multiple times in my life? like one time i asked my ex what we were, and he switched it over into us talking about games, but then he acted hurt when i ghosted him, meanwhile that's just how i am

[pid @pid0ozj]

and even earlier than that, it's like "yeah, i licked her armpit and rolled around in the grass with her while we were hanging out at a fair" but technically, it wasn't labeled at all, so that's really close friend stuff

[pid @pid0ozj]

and they're all like that, so it's like, woo i've been single all my life, and you can promptly say that without lying because you really haven't been dating anyone, it's just will they won't they for a long time, like dude i'm not even a cheater either like officially

[pid @pid0ozj]

and with other ones it's just, marriage talk, joking around, having a fun time, thinking "man, is he ever gonna ask me out?" and then, he gets a girlfriend, and you move on. and nobody mentions it again

[pid @pid0ozj]

like idk, it feels right calling him an ex, but we never really dated? we took a break, got back together, planned our marriage, role-played as bunnies/horses, told our darkest secrets to each other, and then boom, nothing. no dramatic moments or anything, you move on

[pid @pid0ozj]

also thinking back, haven't really dated all that much, you say i love you and hang out, but that doesn't mean anything really. i say a lot of freaky shit that i don't mean all the time, so it's kinda messy in that way, not even sure my ex is my ex, cus he never asked me out

[pid @pid0ozj]

and you're prolly also thinking, "what made you like the last ones so much too?" a lot of things, male models excite me sometimes, sometimes they're extremely funny, or they gave me 30 bucks before for nothing and hung out w me for awhile, p vicious!

[pid @pid0ozj]

but yk, nobody can know that though, they'll think i'm a shallow asshole. but you're probably thinking.. "what did this guy do to make me like him so much" be himself basically, and constant attention like almost everyday for 10 months, i don't even talk to my friends that much

[pid @pid0ozj]

because in my experience, giving stuff is how to get others to like you, that's how others can get me to like them, i'm very materialistic and superficial. if you're handsome/pretty and give me 20 bucks i'm a ride or die basically, unless yk life gets in the way lol

[pid @pid0ozj]

but on the other hand, i'll buy someone i'm with something, and go on to talk shit about them later when everything's done and over with. because i don't like them dawg, but i can't have the person i'm actually hung up about so they'll do instead, till yk like it ends

[pid @pid0ozj]

because yk the people i end up liking are kind, you can't buy them with money or with fancy shit, always gotta wait for their birthday or christmas, and even then they try to gift back the bags or shoes, or the fucking games ig because it's "too much" who cares

[pid @pid0ozj]

because yk another thing, i'm not monogamous, it feels like a chore having to only be chained to one person. but then again, i don't like the people i end up being with because i settle and let the actual people i'm hung up about get away, because i'm not what they need yk

[pid @pid0ozj]

but then you snap out of it for a small while and wonder "ah, wtf was that" but you keep snapping in and out of it, even though yk logically you already know why things wouldn't work, or why you wouldn't actually work within it

[pid @pid0ozj]

imagine thinking about someone so much that you drool, it's like thinking of eating sashimi or liver, but it's not in that sense, it's more just a passing thought like "that'd be nice to have rn" and in this scenario you haven't eaten in awhile, and that's all you think about

[pid @pid0ozj]

no worries though, i do a good job at hiding all of that away while acting normal. i do snap sometimes but then i correct myself lol, and do way better the next time around. its just that i'm passionate about certain individuals sometimes, and i'm extremely "territorial"

[pid @pid0ozj]

since i tend to be an intense person, when i like someone i'll paint their likeness, make stuff for them, offer to buy them stuff, hangout. but that can easily lead to me suddenly hating them outta nowhere and needing to leave or be by myself, or with others if they do smthn

[pid @pid0ozj]

i'm always like this after a period of time though, like sometimes i'll just be like "omg everyone's my friend, i love them so much" and then it flops into me wanting to wear some unlucky guy's skin that happened to catch my attention, it's horrible but yk i get it