Sarah Pillen

For a long time I wanted to be a food critique, but then I realized I really only like chicken tenders. I'm also a Friendsaholic because yes, I am that cool.

[Sarah Pillen @pillen70]

Nobody:

Me: “You’ll be back🎵”

#HamiltonFilm #hamiltonmusical #Hamilton

[Sarah Pillen @pillen70]

To the people who swerve out of the way to avoid manhole covers in the road, your mom’s a hoe.

[Sarah Pillen @pillen70]

COVID-19: Rapidly spreading

Job: Unemployed

Bank account: Low

Feet pics: For sale

[Sarah Pillen @pillen70]

At least the silver lining of losing the Super Bowl is that you can hear the questions 🤷🏼‍♀️ #SuperBowl

[Sarah Pillen @pillen70]

Me to my dog: “Why do you bark at every single person you see outside?”

My dog: “Those people have literally never gotten in. How do you not see what I’m doing?”

[Sarah Pillen @pillen70]

“What t-shirt and sweatpants combo am I gonna wow them with today?” -Me everyday.

[Sarah Pillen @pillen70]

Me: I have to be honest, Steve. I’m a motivational speaker, not a flight instructor.
Steve: WHAT? I CAN’T LAND THIS PLANE!?
Me: Not with that attitude you can’t.

[Sarah Pillen @pillen70]

How come when a house is hunted it’s always a ghost from the 1800’s? Can you imagine a ghost from 2007 screaming, “It’s Britney bitch!” at 3am?

[Sarah Pillen @pillen70]

Mom [on the phone]: Did you preheat the oven like I asked?
Me: Yep!
Mom: What temperature did you set it to?
Me: 524
Mom: That’s the clock
Me:
Mom:
Me: 525

[Sarah Pillen @pillen70]

Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the thousands of picture you have of them sleeping?

[Sarah Pillen @pillen70]

I wish someone would have told me before moving to St. Louis that on Halloween you have to tell a joke to get your candy instead of saying “Trick or treat.” I was not prepared to work this hard for a Twix bar. Trick or treat give me my candy, bitch!

[Sarah Pillen @pillen70]

Friend: “What should I be for Halloween?”

Me: “My designated driver.”

[Sarah Pillen @pillen70]

With 3 months left of 2019 I remembered that my resolution was to put a little more effort into my appearance while out in public. The fresh ranch sauce stain on my oversized t-shirt accompanied with unmatching sweatpants and crocs was the reminder me of my goal. Here’s to 2020.

[Sarah Pillen @pillen70]

I don’t think I’ve had such a dumbfounded look on my face until @Kampa_ATC asked me, “Does Popeyes have a chicken sandwich?”

[Sarah Pillen @pillen70]

Almost tripping me is not only my dogs hobby, but it’s also his passion.

[Sarah Pillen @pillen70]

Everybody when they actually get through the guards and get inside Area 51

[Sarah Pillen @pillen70]

Me as a child: “I can’t wait to live on my own, decorate my apartment, and travel the world once I’m an adult and making some real money.”

Me now: “I can’t forget that tupperware I left at work. It’s my only one.”

[Sarah Pillen @pillen70]

I hate it when my body decides to get sick. I gave you a vegetable last week, how dare you.

[Sarah Pillen @pillen70]

How am I expected to be a functional adult when I still have to sing the alphabet in my head to get the right letter?

[Sarah Pillen @pillen70]

I hate it when Netflix asks, “Are you still watching?”

Do you really think I got my life together in the last 3 hours?