Tess

[Tess @pizzasocks]

If girl cannot hear cat call, wave all 10 fingers at her like you're casting a spell on her hot body.

[Tess @pizzasocks]

@merxaus @KillinIt247frvr yeah if she ain't dead yet. Just a tsp thank you.

[Tess @pizzasocks]

@KillinIt247frvr @merxaus i'm back Tuesday but until then, just continue to remind her what a silly guy you are.

[Jim Gaffigan @JimGaffigan]

Get off social media. Find your rep http://t.co/jptT3R7V & tell them what you want them to do. I’m lazy but I did it. http://t.co/TUtTwCfJ

[Tess @pizzasocks]

”i'm better at granola bars than you.” Said the 4 yr old to the disgruntled babysitter.

[Tess @pizzasocks]

Sitting in a giant box of slippers = ikea breaking point @merxaus http://t.co/5VVe2jCa

[Tess @pizzasocks]

saturday crafternoon http://t.co/qO4dwSiE

[Tess @pizzasocks]

5 yr old camper tells me about her 4 boyfriends but only remembers the name of one. #simplertimes

[Tess @pizzasocks]

Choice Market might have a C for sanitation, but they get an A+ for realness as far as i'm concerned.

[Tess @pizzasocks]

@KillinIt247frvr @merxaus you have to blame whoever invented blenders, Kate bush's genius, and Mondays.

[Tess @pizzasocks]

@SpelledGweew you are correct, sir. Summer is thigh fire season.

[Tess @pizzasocks]

@KillinIt247frvr thnx for the shout out ryry aka razor aka rickety GIFs mcgee

[Tess @pizzasocks]

Holy chipz and salsa

[Tess @pizzasocks]

Post-nap 4 yr olds are smaller versions of post-bender frat boys. They're so mad. They smell like pee. They can't stand up.

[Tess @pizzasocks]

I couldn't possibly be the only person who always thought #ff stood for friends forever.

[Tess @pizzasocks]

@KillinIt247frvr @merxaus brush so hard..

[Tess @pizzasocks]

shout out to y'alls: i've changed my handle to something less racist. i'm a new man. a pizzasocks man.

[Tess @pizzasocks]

@ZoeIsTalking @merxaus in case we have any bear guests. Jk I wash my face with honey.

[Tess @pizzasocks]

@merxaus I have some foam scraps. But there's also canal foam and rubber

[Tess @pizzasocks]

Don't walk backwards in midtown. Even if it's for an art project.