Sam

[Sam @playdeadadam]

Soaking up the sun and good vibes at this beautiful spot.

[Sam @playdeadadam]

http://t.co/LjzpLJ3fQn I've been reading the dictionary. Spoiler alert: "zyzzyva"!!

[Sam @playdeadadam]

My parents just got their first computer. Nigeria, go easy on my inheritance. http://t.co/LOZZjzVVCl

[Sam @playdeadadam]

http://t.co/oNxBxUA6YY 100% of people who eat in the dining area of the grocery store are murderers.

[Sam @playdeadadam]

http://t.co/5OQq82tDQM Does anyone know how much water I'm supposed to add to this baby powder to make an infant?

[Sam @playdeadadam]

Liberal Congress people didn't get gunned down while a white guy was president. Just sayin'... http://t.co/FDxX1GfpoN

[Sam @playdeadadam]

http://t.co/f9JWhsadAj Cherish your high school friendships, those people will be strangers for the rest of your life.

[Sam @playdeadadam]

Eating a banana faster to try and hide it only makes you look even more gay. http://t.co/5J6mrzwIun

[Sam @playdeadadam]

I bet cannibals were really disappointed by elbow macaroni. http://t.co/xjyGfE9ILo

[Sam @playdeadadam]

http://t.co/IJc45L2Di7 I'm not one of those moms who knows all her kids by name.

[Sam @playdeadadam]

whenever I see "likes her own status" on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux. http://t.co/1Yar6b7oIk

[Sam @playdeadadam]

http://t.co/eSbSkzM7Fk A polaroid is what an eskimo takes when he wants to bulk up.

[Sam @playdeadadam]

http://t.co/BkVxQzwuV3 When I'm having a shitty day sometimes I go to WalMart and just smile and show off my teeth.

[Sam @playdeadadam]

http://t.co/3Cex8PHhDx All women have an hour glass figure - it's just that they all tote around different amounts of sand.

[Sam @playdeadadam]

You know you're an adult when you suddenly start taking Bert's side over Ernie's. http://t.co/DqwlbPxjFN

[Sam @playdeadadam]

Boys: I may not have the biggest boobs, but I sure do have the right number of 'em! http://t.co/vtFy6m1tqK

[Sam @playdeadadam]

If you have more than zero bumper stickers on your car you have too many. http://t.co/GZT8lKC4II

[Sam @playdeadadam]

Is there anything sexier than a woman who reads? Yes: Models. http://t.co/rU23vcLL5Z

[Sam @playdeadadam]

http://t.co/CFleasXUJx I'm writing a horror movie about realizing that I left my phone at home.

[Sam @playdeadadam]

"I liked small butts. I was lying." - Sir Mix-A-Lot's teary deathbed confession http://t.co/pLPmUNxijG