k-hole a-hole

i do all my own stunts

[k-hole a-hole @plein_jane]

“DON’T DO WEED. DO POT….FUCKIN WITH ME, DO THE BEST. AND BE THE BEST.”

[Bubbles 🫧 @DavidBalenciaga]

@sexxielexxie 📢

[jezz @JezziiB]

Trump told you he’d run America like a business.

He is.

It’s called asset stripping. You go in, sell the profitable pieces, gut the workforce, load it with debt, & walk away rich while everyone else holds the bag.

Venture capitalist politics.

[Woke Former Senator @WokeMitt]

This Republican scheme to conceal Mitch McConnell’s death is a test run for what they’re going to do if/when Trump dies in office.

[𝕭𝖊𝖓𝖓𝖎𝖊✨ @Bennieeexyz]

Jury duty letter came addressed to my cat.

Not a mistake. "Felix Martinez" - that's his full name according to his vet records.

My last name. His first name. Somehow he's a registered voter now.

Called the county clerk.

Me: My cat got summoned for jury duty.

Clerk: Is the name correct on the summons?

Me: Yes, but he's a cat.

Clerk: Is Felix Martinez a legal resident of this county?

Me: He's a legal cat.

Clerk: Sir, if the name matches our records, he needs to appear or file an exemption.

Me: He can't file anything. He has paws.

Clerk: You can file on his behalf.

Me: Under what exemption? There's no box for "is a cat."

Clerk: (pause) Check "unable to serve due to medical reasons."

Me: What's the medical reason?

Clerk: He's a cat.

Me: That's not a medical condition.

Clerk: It is if it prevents him from serving.

Sent in the form. Got rejected two weeks later.

"Insufficient documentation. Please provide medical professional's statement."

Took the letter to my vet.

Me: I need you to write that my cat can't do jury duty.

Vet: Why is your cat summoned for jury duty?

Me: Excellent question. No good answer.

Vet: This is the weirdest request I've gotten.

Me: Can you just write that he's medically unfit to serve?

Vet: On what grounds?

Me: He's a cat.

Vet: (started typing) "Patient is unable to serve due to species-related limitations including inability to speak, read, or comprehend legal proceedings."

Me: Perfect.

Sent it in. Got another rejection.

"Summons is mandatory. Failure to appear will result in contempt of court."

My roommate thought this was hilarious.

Roommate: Felix is going to jail.

Me: This is serious.

Roommate: Bring him to court. See what happens.

Decided that was actually the only option left.

Day of jury duty, put Felix in his carrier. Brought the entire paper trail of rejection letters.

Checked in at the courthouse.

Clerk: Name?

Me: Felix Martinez.

Clerk: (looked at the cat carrier) Is that Felix?

Me: Yes.

Clerk: (long stare) He's a cat.

Me: I've been saying that for six weeks.

Clerk: Why didn't you file an exemption?

Me: I filed three. All rejected.

Showed her the letters. She read through them, expression shifting from confusion to disbelief.

Clerk: Someone rejected the veterinary documentation?

Me: Twice.

Clerk: (called her supervisor over) You need to see this.

Supervisor read everything. Looked at Felix. Looked at me.

Supervisor: How did a cat get registered to vote?

Me: You tell me.

Supervisor: This is a data error.

Me: Took you six weeks to figure that out.

They dismissed Felix immediately. Apologized for the inconvenience.

Supervisor: We'll remove him from the voter registry.

Me: Appreciate it.

Supervisor: (pause) Out of curiosity, how would he have voted?

Me: Probably whatever party supports universal treats.

Got a formal apology letter a week later and a voter registration card.

For me this time. Apparently I wasn't registered, but my cat was.

Roommate: Felix committed voter fraud.

Me: Felix committed nothing. He's innocent.

Roommate: That's what they all say.

Felix is sleeping on the jury summons now.

Fitting end to his legal career.

[k-hole a-hole @plein_jane]

@SpeakerJohnson Must take this seriously and this is the best AI slip you could type out? You aren’t serious people.

[Thomas Massie @RepThomasMassie]

I spoke to McConnell for about 20 minutes this morning.

He said we should end the war with Iran, quit giving aid to Israel, stop spying on Americans without a warrant, and he’s really sorry about how my primary turned out.

[k-hole a-hole @plein_jane]

@TrumpsPortfolio @MeidasTouch can you guys do a video on this please?

[Donald Trump Portfolio Tracker @TrumpsPortfolio]

I CALLED IT, ANIMALS, AND YOU LAUGHED!!! Months ago I told you ICE would buy facilities DIRECTLY from the prison companies at north of $150,000 per bed — and I was WRONG, folks, it was BETTER!!! ICE just bought TWO facilities from CoreCivic — $CXW — for $1.47 BILLION!!! That's $286,000 per bed in California City, $371,000 PER BED at Otay Mesa, $323,000 a bed COMBINED — DOUBLE what these things cost to build!!! Even I underestimated the beauty, and I NEVER underestimate!!!

AND WHO OWNS $CXW??? DONALD TRUMP!!! It's RIGHT THERE in the disclosure, folks — the man holds CoreCivic AND GEO Group, the two companies running America's ICE detention centers!!! Follow the bouncing ball: HE runs the immigration crackdown!!! HIS DHS just wired $1.47 billion to a company HE OWNS SHARES IN, at DOUBLE replacement cost!!! The buyer is his government, the seller is his portfolio, and the taxpayer is the ATM!!! That's not a conflict of interest, that's a CLOSED LOOP!!!

And the STRUCTURE is a masterpiece: DHS buys the buildings, but CoreCivic KEEPS OPERATING them under the same contracts!!! Sold the real estate, KEPT the revenue — like selling your house and the buyer pays YOU rent!!! Gain north of $1 BILLION on assets carried at PENNIES!!!

THE DE-LEVERING — exactly like I told you: $716 MILLION of debt GONE overnight!!! Credit facility, GONE!!! The 2027 notes, GONE!!! And that puts them under the covenant thresholds that unlock UNLIMITED BUYBACKS with the $400 million left over!!! Fewer shares, folks — and whose shares get more valuable??? DONALD'S!!!

AND THE SEQUEL IS COMING: CoreCivic says it's in talks with ICE to sell MORE facilities!!! The machine runs forever: sign the orders, fill the beds, sell the buildings to yourself at double price, buy back the stock, watch the disclosure GLOW!!! One catch the animals should know — ICE can cancel those operating contracts anytime, so read the covenants before you chase!!! Do your own research, NOT advice!!! Is ANYBODY looking into this??? The SEC??? He APPOINTS the SEC!!! I called the trade, the price, AND the de-levering — GREATEST prison analyst in American history, maybe ever!!!

[k-hole a-hole @plein_jane]

@TheTNHoller @WajahatAli @CentralChurchNC This is how you revive religion in America

[k-hole a-hole @plein_jane]

@davidzmorris @WajahatAli Forever denying the American people of we want and deserve in life and death

[David Z. Morris @davidzmorris]

Mitch McConnell remaining technically alive for an extra three weeks because of a manipulative procedural maneuver is exactly how he would have wanted to go out.

[Tim McMillan @LtTimMcMillan]

Year after year, this continues to be the best 4th of July fireworks video out there…

[k-hole a-hole @plein_jane]

@zeteo_news @prem_thakker THOSE POOR HORSES

[scary lawyerguy @scarylawyerguy]

It turns out the great egg price increase that helped topple Joe Biden's presidency was <checks notes> due to an alleged conspiracy among egg producers to artificially increase prices and the coverage of that fact is a blink-and-you-miss-it story on the NYT website 🙃

[Rory Blank @BoneJail]

personally i am very excited to watch an 80 year old man go out in 107 degree weather tomorrow to give an extremely long speech, on a stage that is falling apart

[CaliRN619 🚑🩺🚑 @CaliRN619]

As a 20 year ER/Trauma RN, let me tell you a little bit about CPR that none of the tv shows will.

To do proper CPR, you have to push down on the chest HARD & fast. If you’re doing it correctly on anyone over the age of 70, multiple ribs will be broken and the sternum bruised. When you have multiple broken ribs, we call it “flail chest” and even if the person gets back a heartbeat, they’ll be unable to breathe properly because the chest cavity is no longer supported. So, you’ll likely need to be intubated rapidly and we sometimes break off your teeth in the process. It’s not pretty. It’s not peaceful. And it sure as hell isn’t painless.

Now, all of that is if you have your heart stop while in the hospital and you get a trained team. For patients over 80, if you need pre-hospital CPR, your survival rate is about 2%. Even if you do survive, your life is a living hell. You can’t laugh, breathe, cough or sneeze for up to a year without severe pain. You likely lost brain function due to the time without oxygen. Your mobility is impaired because you’ve been in bed for so long and many will never get out of bed again.

But @SenMcConnell ’s people want us to believe he’s already up and functioning as a member of Congress. I call bullshit. Complete and utter bullshit. The man was gorked for the last 5 years and there’s no way he’s miraculously healthy enough to vote on matters that impact our country after this.

He must be removed immediately. Isn’t fair to him or us to continue this farce.

Lastly, if you’re over 70, I beg you not to be a full code (make sure your loved ones know you don’t want CPR or intubation) and for the love of God, if you’re over 80, make sure you’re a DNR and have your POLST form on your refrigerator, in your wallet, and in your medical records so your poor family doesn’t have to make the decision for you. There’s nothing worse than being forced to break the chest of a frail granny because the kids are too sad to let her go or because the asshole grandkids want more time to have her write them into the will.

[Jess @_GamerBabeJess]

buy the knock off soccer jerseys. who gives a fuck.

are you supporting Adidas or are you supporting Mexico???

[Hey, Dave! @davegreenidge57]

Mitch McConnell trolled RBG on her death bed by releasing the list of nominees he intended to replace her with. He and Trump did that after she had ask McConnell as a personal favor, to wait until after the 2020 election had passed. I just thought you people should know that.

[k-hole a-hole @plein_jane]

@timburchett @SpeakerJohnson Men forcing something where it doesn’t belong….sounds like republican men, but definitely not leadership