Uh Doy

You wouldn't believe me if I told you

[Uh Doy @polyodious]

Spell like theirs nobody reading

[Uh Doy @polyodious]

Mr. President, if these Tinder profiles are to be believed, then all we really have is an epidemic of childhood CURVINESS

[Uh Doy @polyodious]

In an act of reconciliation, I'd like to take the first step: I've had the great pleasure of masturbating to both Betty White and the dear departed Queen. Let the healing begin...

[Uh Doy @polyodious]

A clown pulled a quarter out of my ear at my nephew's birthday party, but I can't find the right tax form to declare it

@HRBlockAnswers

[Uh Doy @polyodious]

I wish there were IKEA instructions for life

[Uh Doy @polyodious]

Here's a neat little trick to shut those annoying atheists in your life up once and for all: stop believing in nonsense

[Uh Doy @polyodious]

"I've tried EVERYTHING to help my asthma: acupuncture, Chinese herbs, homeopathy, chiropractors..."

No, you've tried every kind of NOTHING

[Uh Doy @polyodious]

Days I'm sick each year: 5-7

Days I'm probably just lying about being sick cuz I'd rather watch Netflix than hang out with you: 358-360

[Uh Doy @polyodious]

It's Adam & Sugar, not Adam & Stevia!

[Uh Doy @polyodious]

If Word-A-Day Calendars really worked, people would call them Diurnal Locution Agendas

[Uh Doy @polyodious]

Socializing without alcohol was the first extreme sport

[Uh Doy @polyodious]

So glad they made these talking crosswalks so I can look at my phone even more. They should do something like this for blind people!!

[Uh Doy @polyodious]

I'm not religious for the same reason I don't take medical advice from Jenny McCarthy

[Uh Doy @polyodious]

Baby-proofing your house is a must for any new parent

But be warned: those crafty little fuckers will find a way back in somehow

[Uh Doy @polyodious]

NURSE: You know where you are?

OLD MAN: I'm in the jungle baby! I'm gonna die

NURSE: Not only does he not have dementia, he's cool as shit

[Uh Doy @polyodious]

Murder is the only area of life where proper planning is frowned upon

[Uh Doy @polyodious]

What's crazy is I actually did end up fucking a dog today, but it was completely unrelated to same sex marriage

[Uh Doy @polyodious]

Not only do I support same-sex marriage, I won't rest until every gay couple owns a bicycle built for two!

[Uh Doy @polyodious]

The Selfie Stick: the world's first extendable birth control

[Uh Doy @polyodious]

Conservatives are upset that Bruce Jenner identifies as a woman. I guess I get it. I'm bothered that Bill O'Reilly identifies as a human