port (parody) (blue check)

I’m Porter and you’re listening

[port (parody) (blue check) @porterrivet]

The minute I’m alerted a man is shopping my instacart order, I know my day will be ruined.

[port (parody) (blue check) @porterrivet]

@TonyRodini Yes

[port (parody) (blue check) @porterrivet]

Fuck Elon

[port (parody) (blue check) @porterrivet]

Had to get two prescriptions in London today and was so confused as to why they didn’t ask for proof of insurance and it only cost like $20 but then I remembered as Americans we all live in hell and you shouldn’t have to pay an arm and a leg to keep your arms and legs

[port (parody) (blue check) @porterrivet]

My Ken’s job is podcast. He loves to talk to his friends while simultaneously fan girling over them and their bands. It makes him so happy to exaggerate his stories to seem more interesting. He’s so cute!

[port (parody) (blue check) @porterrivet]

I confidently asked if Big Ben was one specific red double decker bus or all of them and now I will never live this down in the eyes of my coworkers

[port (parody) (blue check) @porterrivet]

@PopCrave Did the EMTs or doctors let him know his brain is a living thing that his body upkeeps? Cuz even if his brain was sick or damaged, according to him he should carry it until it kills him, right?

[port (parody) (blue check) @porterrivet]

Taylor Swift is better than me because by now I would’ve made ME! the surprise song just to see the crowd reaction

[port (parody) (blue check) @porterrivet]

It’s really toxic to be reading menus in England following that viral tik tok sound cuz I just keep going “a baked…? A baked bean?!?!” And only making myself laugh

[port (parody) (blue check) @porterrivet]

@yvendelrey @carIosdunlap @DailyLoud He means that she’s a woman so he can’t comprehend how she could have a successful career. His profile pic isn’t a coincidence.

[port (parody) (blue check) @porterrivet]

@AnonyMouse1K9 @Bilco_MC @Morbidful I promise you that his prefrontal cortex didn’t develop normally even by his mid 20s. The kid was not alright and showed it

[port (parody) (blue check) @porterrivet]

If one more female artist I tried to push blows up again, I might just have to blow myself up

[port (parody) (blue check) @porterrivet]

Last night my boyfriend discovered (after over a year) that I had vacuum bagged half his tshirts and he was like “I was wondering why I didn’t have that many”….this man has 6 drawers designated to tshirts…..what does he mean “that many”?!

[port (parody) (blue check) @porterrivet]

My body is kinda like my little sister in the sense that I can bully it but if you do I will literally murder you

[port (parody) (blue check) @porterrivet]

Having photographic memory is wild cuz when the 2008 Super Bowl is mentioned I’m like “oh the year w/ the giants & patriots” cuz I remember texting for my dad & saw the 2/3/08 timestamp & seeing giants & patriots cakes at the store when I gave it back but idk what I did yesterday

[port (parody) (blue check) @porterrivet]

@pwiscila @AltruisticFella We don’t know her like that, she may have actually died so the logo had to be changed to white to correctly represent her as a ghost.

[port (parody) (blue check) @porterrivet]

Older generations love to talk down on the younger ones for “not knowing cursive or how to write a check” as if they didn’t hand write checks in cursive to the politicians who dictated public education curriculum for us but can’t even “work” facetime

[port (parody) (blue check) @porterrivet]

Which if you think about it was a total W cuz I was third row for $25 for half of the set and then got a VIP escort out at the end

[port (parody) (blue check) @porterrivet]

The year is 2023, I am 27 years old, and my legs are covered in dark bruises from jumping over the barricade between lawn and seats at a fall out boy show…it’s giving 2014 when I snuck all the up to third row before being literally carried out by security to Saturday

[port (parody) (blue check) @porterrivet]

@Morbidful No this is Logan Roy