Portland Pulp

[Portland Pulp @portlandpulp]

I thought that headphones would help people on the sidewalk not think I'm a creepy bum walking in the dark but nnnnope

[Portland Pulp @portlandpulp]

@stachelion We call that kind of race-baiting "Puttin' on the Ritz"

[Portland Pulp @portlandpulp]

Oregon caretaker buries body, collects $200,000 in Social Security for her trouble http://t.co/jjl8iARxGI

[Portland Pulp @portlandpulp]

The only downside of being a beard owner is being a wet beard owner.

[Portland Pulp @portlandpulp]

Tonight: Don't miss the Arrested Development Returns party at @holocene. Bring your best chicken dance. http://t.co/9nMavwRXmD

[Portland Pulp @portlandpulp]

The day a brave corgi puppy met a menacing spoon http://t.co/MDl7zfsdPY

[Portland Pulp @portlandpulp]

Washington man gets $1100 ticket for being a rich dick, speeding http://t.co/U1EiW9Cs9c

[Portland Pulp @portlandpulp]

So the Dalai Llama says to me that on my deathbed, I can go to Screen Door for brunch without waiting in line. So I got that goin' for me.

[Portland Pulp @portlandpulp]

I'd like to thank my parents for always being there, my lovely wife, and those 3 people who I could always count on to favorite my tweets.

[Portland Pulp @portlandpulp]

I am pretty positive that there are 9 million Twitter followers out there who would love my jokes but just haven't found my account yet.

[Portland Pulp @portlandpulp]

The fuck is wrong with you, South Carolina? You are the Waluigi of states.

[Portland Pulp @portlandpulp]

PSA: Those rewatching Arrested Development should not refer to http://t.co/f1G4xySN74 but instead http://t.co/GPGTEl0G0D

[Portland Pulp @portlandpulp]

Photos from the sold-out @PTXofficial show at @CrystalPortland http://t.co/Tls5zUTBkP

[Portland Pulp @portlandpulp]

Whenever I feel down, I like to remember that I'll always be smarter than that infomercial dude who stuck the q-tip too far into his ear.

[Portland Pulp @portlandpulp]

Voting begins to elect Portland's new weather-predicting cat god http://t.co/r21r1KAyZM

[Portland Pulp @portlandpulp]

Oregon tries to solve stink bug problem by using wasps, pure evil http://t.co/8BtUB9szTH

[Portland Pulp @portlandpulp]

Bruised beets, upturned turnips block traffic in Oregon http://t.co/SbFTFQCLmO

[Portland Pulp @portlandpulp]

Canada politely queues up for another Portland Loo http://t.co/jDgNv2oCEH

[Portland Pulp @portlandpulp]

What is this "Day of Rest" shit? I'm looking at you specifically, all food carts I want to go to on Mondays.

[Portland Pulp @portlandpulp]

Real-life Marge Simpson leaves Portland for that big couch gag in the sky http://t.co/nZjUewjDgl