Comedians everywhere are stealing my material. And by that I mean explaining that the Batavia comedy club isn't in Chicago, but it's like an hour on the train and you can go all the time
"Matthew, it's Joe Biden here. As you know, Donald Trump and radical Republicans are looking to hawk tuah and spit on our democracy. If you rush a $20 donation..."
*Target clothing department sitting down to a meeting Monday morning*
Department head who watched Goodfellas over the weekend: "I think I'm going to start changing things around here"