haley pratt

keep your friends close and your clif bars closer. Emory ⚽️

[haley pratt @poweradebottle5]

It is scientifically proven that talking to boys is detrimental to your health so I'm just trying to play it safe here

[Neil Renic @NC_Renic]

First they came for the em dash and I did not speak out. Then they came for the Oxford comma…

[Maia @maiamindel]

tweets from 1776

[Logan Hall @loganclarkhall]

A math prodigy was accepted to Harvard at age 15 for what could have been a lifetime of achievement.

But after living in the wilderness in Montana and writing a prescient manifesto about industrial society, his life would drastically change due to packages he sent in the mail.

[allison wiseman @alwiseman_]

Queue????????? OPEN THE SCHOOLS

[Mr. S.T.A.R. @favelaoverlord]

you’re laughing. the Leviathan is waking up near Virginia and you’re laughing.

[the giant @chaser_bait]

there are raccoons living in my walls who i really want gone, and even though i love my girlfriend, and i know she loves me, she is just clearly, unambiguously on the side of the raccoons

[caught hantavirus on a swingers cruise @abs_sweetmarie]

I kinda miss the biweekly “Joe Biden’s dog has savagely mauled another secret service agent” press release.

[Josh Billinson @jbillinson]

I don’t think it’s an exaggeration to say that people will die if you put a giant glowing distraction like that right on the side of a highway filled with Maryland drivers

[erica cheng 鄭伊澄 @oop_echeng]

this is like the houston version of the waffle house index

[onion person @CantEverDie]

part of the problem with the united states right now is like 30% of the population genuinely believes that having to show vaccination records at a cheesecake factory to eat inside is literally the exact same as being killed by state police on the street for no reason

[jaboukie @jaboukie]

someone could blow into your ear and play your empty skull like a large jug at a barnyard dance

[tam🪿 @victoireakgae]

but have they considered that it was funny?

[RMNB @rmnb]

The PWHL game ended with VIOLENCE

🎥: @callmekatina

[PWHL @thepwhlofficial]

just goalie things

[Taco @TacosTweets]

Not my personal belief but hilarious.

[Gabriel @gbrl_dick]

caught the 3yo walking into the house with a handful of gravel. when i asked him what it was for he said, “im going to put it in my bed”.

why on earth would you do that? “well i’ve already done yours and mum’s bed.”

sure enough, corner of the bed is crumpled. pull the covers back and there’s a handful of gravel right in the middle of the bed. he’d even remade it afterwards. unbelievable.

[⛷️ @ThomasWrrld]

they’ll never make me hate him