Pete Parks

[Pete Parks @pparkhu]

Dr: time to test your reflexes
Me: [dodges the little knee hammer}
Dr: [under his breath] oh shi….

[Pete Parks @pparkhu]

‘Your password is too weak’ so is my upper body, just let me live my life.

[Pete Parks @pparkhu]

Finally. My bills are washed, laundry is paid, clothes are baking and dinner is in the dryer. I got this!

[Pete Parks @pparkhu]

The amount of effort that goes into having a mid physique and a cleanish house is truly staggering

[Pete Parks @pparkhu]

You all ever just be drunk and you’re like….
Yo, was that light even green?

[Pete Parks @pparkhu]

There are humans circulating the MOON right now and I’m sat here doing two factor authentication because I forgot my Teams passwords.

[Pete Parks @pparkhu]

Judge: You’ve been charged with jaywalking, how do you plead?
Me: -leans into the mic- I’ll take the death penalty your honor

[Pete Parks @pparkhu]

I’m never drinking again, unless something is going on later today.

[Pete Parks @pparkhu]

My favorite thing about ibuprofen is you can take like 300mg and it still doesn’t work

[Pete Parks @pparkhu]

[mysterious lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good?

[Pete Parks @pparkhu]

Me: you know what I need?
Body: vitamins? Water? A vegetable?
Me: more alcohol.
Body: you mother fu-

[Pete Parks @pparkhu]

Just did my own taxes. I should be in jail by Friday.

[Pete Parks @pparkhu]

I always think I’m the drunkest I’ve ever been, but then I out do myself every time, well done me

[Pete Parks @pparkhu]

@FarquharAndy Haha! Don’t tell the Mrs!

[Pete Parks @pparkhu]

No debt
Ideal weight
8+ hours of sleep
Mental health on track
Right nutrition
Zero Alcohol
No stress
This was my peak. I was 7
Good times…

[Pete Parks @pparkhu]

I wish the IRS would just take my money instead of tormenting me with their jacked up riddles.

[Pete Parks @pparkhu]

Claiming everyone using my HBO login as a dependent on my taxes.

[Pete Parks @pparkhu]

The clocks change this weekend - hopefully back to the ‘90s/early 2000’s when life was great.

[Pete Parks @pparkhu]

Imagine paying for Netflix every month, and they paying when you watch the movie, and then getting another bill three months later because one of the actors isn’t signed with Netflix so you have to pay him directly.
How STUPID!
This is a post about health insurance.

[Pete Parks @pparkhu]

Sex is great, but have you ever handed in your notice to a job that has shattered your mental health for a decade?