penelope

Don't try and fix me. I am the result of terrible choices & copious amounts of beer. I don't check DMs.

[Carl Aagesen @totallymoon]

you are breaking my heart's face off

[penelope @ppennii]

The electric pencil sharpener masks the vibrator noise, so I've been told

[Sparkey Mcsaymyname @MountainRaptor]

There will be profanity today, guaranfuckinteed

[steve suckington @SteveSuckington]

Boss: Are you high?

Me: If I was high could I do this?

B: What? You aren't doing anything

M: sorry I'm super high. What was the question?

[The Valley Report @TheValleyReport]

Woman stabs boyfriend for not liking Instagram selfie fast enough https://t.co/YXQdIuJwlL

[twitr darling @the_real_keg]

I, like many Canadians, can only orgasm when Sue Johanson is talking in the background.

[Lady Penelope @foodiewinoSF]

Who put the...

[In Nancy's World.... @InNancysWorld]

I wasn't sure how to spell 'procrastinator' in my last tweet but I'll look it up later.

[penelope @ppennii]

I tell people I'm pregnant so they think I have a sex life

[penelope @ppennii]

Yes!

[Carbosly @Carbosly]

Cold pizza elevated leftovers to a whole new level.

[ShittyShittyGangBang @ShittyComedian]

It's not murder if they can't find the body.

[penelope @ppennii]

This morning I drank my coffee from a rinsed out can of spaghetti-os #factsaboutme

[penelope @ppennii]

If you're wondering where I've been, @Pornhub has eliminated the 5 videos a day rule.

[Puddin Cuddle-Thug @PuddingBoobs]

I deserve someone good for me, but at this point I'd settle for someone who is good to me.

[Rogue1-the Jeff Faria Project @PatriotsOfMars]

Shouldn’t we be equally angered by the fact that [Sterling's] private conversation was taped and leaked to the media? ~ Kareem Abdul-Jabbar

[n2o @1evilidiot]

I'm for equal rights but I just passed a guy watching a girl change a tire. If it wasn't for traffic I would've pulled over and slapped him.

[n2o @1evilidiot]

Weird. you didn't look anywhere near that desperate in your profile pic.

[n2o @1evilidiot]

Sleep is the nicest thing I want to do with you.