Pretend Blonde

don't follow your dreams, follow me on Twitter. (and on Instagram @pretendblonde)

[Kevin Hart @KevinHart4real]

I swear it feels like the world stops when you stump your toe....That pain is honestly indescribable....Fuuuucccckkkk

[Pretend Blonde @pretendblonde]

There is a woman in the bar I'm at double fisting tequila sunrises and singing "Fight Song" at the top of her lungs. Living her best life.

[Pretend Blonde @pretendblonde]

@FuckJerry @fuckjerrytv_

[Pretend Blonde @pretendblonde]

@FuckJerry

[Pretend Blonde @pretendblonde]

HEY @FuckJerry YOU STOLE MY JOKE

[Pretend Blonde @pretendblonde]

want a new playlist? Of course you fucking do. Go to my instagram, skanks. @pretendblonde

[Pretend Blonde @pretendblonde]

Just saw a guy at Safeway buying tampons. Baby diapers and two handles of vodka. I feel for you dude.

[Pretend Blonde @pretendblonde]

I think we can all agree the real winner of tonight was marijuana #VMAs

[E! News @enews]

"Listen to the kids, BRUH." #KanyeWest2020 🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸

[E! News @enews]

Miley Cyrus: Smokes pot. ✔ Loves peace. ✔ #VMAs

[Pretend Blonde @pretendblonde]

Kim K looks like a walking penis with large pockets. #VMAs @betchesluvthis

[Pretend Blonde @pretendblonde]

It's @chrissyteigen's world, we're all just living in it.

[Pretend Blonde @pretendblonde]

Someone needs to invent wine flavored coffee ASAP.

[Pretend Blonde @pretendblonde]

BELIEVE IN YOURSELF

[Pretend Blonde @pretendblonde]

can it be Whine and Wine Wednesday? Where I can drink wine and bitch about my life?

[Pretend Blonde @pretendblonde]

Don't lie. We all know you spell it "wed-nes-day"

[Pretend Blonde @pretendblonde]

Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, blink, Monday...

[Pretend Blonde @pretendblonde]

I imagine hell is a lot like a hangover on a Saturday morning.

[Pretend Blonde @pretendblonde]

All the other days of the week: flying by so fast, you can't see me!!!
Friday: I think I'm just going to take a break and rest.

[Pretend Blonde @pretendblonde]

Anyone who says "good morning" is full of shit. It's never a good morning. EVER