Christian Mello

[Christian Mello @PriestMalibu]

Nothing strikes terror in my heart more than having to pronounce dzhokhar tsarnaev.

[Christian Mello @PriestMalibu]

@laurenvally the mentalist handicapped #MakeAFunnyTVShowSerious

[Christian Mello @PriestMalibu]

@laurenvally true or false detective #MakeAFunnyTVShowSerious

[Christian Mello @PriestMalibu]

@laurenvally parks and recreational drugs #MakeAFunnyTVShowSerious

[Christian Mello @PriestMalibu]

Millionaires who read things other people wrote on films other people produce are giving each other awards for their hard work and talent.

[Christian Mello @PriestMalibu]

@ajilling your tweets

[Christian Mello @PriestMalibu]

"Don't carry broken pieces of yesterday into today." ??? Good advice. Ignore your problems.

[Christian Mello @PriestMalibu]

I've never microwaved anything by pressing more than one number.

[Christian Mello @PriestMalibu]

If I was Nancy Grace's kid id be a heroin addict.
#NancyGrace #twochainz #Pot2Blame

[Christian Mello @PriestMalibu]

Brad and Angelina make me question my sexual identity too (that's probably been used already)

[Christian Mello @PriestMalibu]

That's a bachelor pad. You literally will never have to worry about getting married.

[Christian Mello @PriestMalibu]

I'm not afraid of heights. I'm just scared my very last thought will be "man, you're clumsy."

[Christian Mello @PriestMalibu]

@BrentMorin wait til you have sets on top of a washing machine

[Christian Mello @PriestMalibu]

I wouldn't even try to be funny if I were good at sex

[Christian Mello @PriestMalibu]

Disappointed is making it through the security checkpoint without even a second look.

[Christian Mello @PriestMalibu]

My cars for sale. I'm using carmax. I havnt had chapped lips in days.

[Christian Mello @PriestMalibu]

Bro'ing ain't easy. #highfivelife

[Christian Mello @PriestMalibu]

If justin timberlake has taught us anything it's that the key to success is chemical hair treatment #BadJokeFriday #JustinTimberlake

[Christian Mello @PriestMalibu]

Football season is almost here. Thank god. Hopefully it'll put a stop to all this ISIS news. #BadjokeFriday #comedy #ISIS

[Patton Oswalt @pattonoswalt]

Here's @DonRickles (88 in 3 days!) destroying on Letterman ***SJW/Suey Park/@Salon TRIGGER WARNING*** http://t.co/egme47IUhE