Lauren Vally

Lauren Vally from the Valley

[Lauren Vally @laurenvally]

I just want to be wealthy enough so I can use “summer” as a verb.

[Lauren Vally @laurenvally]

@KEbergen The Julia Roberts monologue?!

[Lauren Vally @laurenvally]

Which came first, the phrase “between a rock and a place” or men proposing to women on hikes?

[Public Citizen @Public_Citizen]

Today is the 144th day of 2022.

The Uvalde shooting is the 212th mass shooting of 2022.

Gun violence is a public health crisis.

[Lauren Vally @laurenvally]

@Beemwhite 👏👏👏👏

[Lauren Vally @laurenvally]

I don’t understand why everyone is anti daylight saving time but pro time travel. What? An hour not good enough you ungrateful fucks?

[Lauren Vally @laurenvally]

@Hansvlitz Dad also texted me this...

[Lauren Vally @laurenvally]

@blumenfeld Got it in 3! Because I’m a Dutch bitch

[Lauren Vally @laurenvally]

When I said I wanted to start the year off on a positive note, this is not what I had in mind. #covid

[Lauren Vally @laurenvally]

In an attempt to connect with a more modern consumer base, @Skittles is encouraging their covid customers who can no longer “taste the rainbow” to “feel the mouth chew”.

[Lauren Vally @laurenvally]

Anyone else miss being a naive kid? Back when tornadoes were just Dorothy's mode of transportation? Or a meet cute for Bill Paxton and Helen Hunt?

[Lauren Vally @laurenvally]

NASA is launching a rocket at an asteroid trying to see if they can redirect its course. Obviously I’m all for space experiments that better mankind but why waste millions of dollars when we’ve proven this hypothesis already way back in 1998 when Bruce Willis did it?

[Lauren Vally @laurenvally]

@AnnamalHalligan I feel seen.

[Brandon Follick @follickacid]

I’ll never unhear the time my mom referred to Timothee Chalamet as “chimney taliban”

[hans @Hansvlitz]

Nobody:

Pandora:

[Lauren Vally @laurenvally]

My fiancé really wants us to buy a house together. But we haven’t even reached the phase of farting in front of each other (and not blaming the dog) so how can we admit to each other how poor we are (and not blame the dog)?

[Lauren Vally @laurenvally]

@blumenfeld I’m on Hot Tweak Street. Very similar. Just slightly more meth.

[Lauren Vally @laurenvally]

My fiancé just signed up for a half marathon. Why is he already trying to run away from me?

[Lauren Vally @laurenvally]

@blumenfeld I have loose stool :(

[kar(e)l ebergen @KEbergen]

The work of Trevor Moore and WKUK was such a huge inspiration to me in sketch comedy. It was the first time I quoted sketches nonstop. RIP Trevor Moore. Thank you for everything.