Brandon

Professional stay at home dad to three kids. I think I know what I'm doing. Probably not though.

[Brandon @proathomedad]

Yelling at your children is a good thing if you are yelling “I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!”

Talking calmly to your children can be really terrible if you are quietly saying “I think you smell like farts and nobody loves you.”

Perspective. Or something.

[Brandon @proathomedad]

When you have a child on diapers you think “OMG I can’t wait to be done with this phase!”

But then you have a toddler potty training and you find that he used your bathroom wall for toilet paper and you think about putting them in diapers until they move out.

[Brandon @proathomedad]

Look, I know that we sure make a lot of jokes about our kids being somewhat selfish and only care about us for our ability to provide them with snacks and butt wiping, but in all fairness, we only say these things because they’re true.

[Brandon @proathomedad]

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but parenting is hard work and you don’t need to feel guilty for feeling that way.

[Brandon @proathomedad]

@joshgroft Not bad. I would use the word genius.

[Brandon @proathomedad]

I once had someone troll me by trying to correct my use of “kids” to “children” which was dumb....

but what they didn’t know is that I usually just call them by the dogs name so who cares.

[Brandon @proathomedad]

Even if kids did come with an instruction manual, it would probably be written in a made up language and covered in snot.

[Brandon @proathomedad]

Sure parenting is hard, but parenting expectations are way harder.

[Brandon @proathomedad]

The best diet plan is when all of your kids reach the age that they finally eat all of their mac n cheese.

[Brandon @proathomedad]

I’m not sure my autopsy will show this, but, helping with 2nd grade math is what murdered me.

[Brandon @proathomedad]

I’m feeling ready to get back to normal, but also feel like I forgot how to have normal conversations and also not so sure about this wearing “real pants” thing

[Simon Holland @simoncholland]

That feeling of relief when your kid is dressed up for pajama day and you see another kid in pajamas at drop off.

[Momsense Ensues @momsense_ensues]

The perfect revenge for a toddler who was a jerk during the day is to fart on their head when they’re asleep.

Follow me for more super mature parenting tips.

[The Dad Briefs @SladeWentworth]

25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, "Get to the point!"

[Marcy G @BunAndLeggings]

My 3yo is so lazy. She said she doesn't like underwear because she has to walk to the bathroom. If she wears a diaper she can pee wherever she wants. Honestly, she's selling me on the diaper thing.

[Brandon @proathomedad]

Sure, technically I’ve never been a hostage negotiator, BUT, I have been a dad asking my 8 y/o for a list of demands, just to get him in the car so that we aren’t late to school again, simultaneously trying to hold in all of my swear words and rage.

So. Same...

[That Mom Tho @mom_tho]

Me: I remember when you were in my tummy you would roll and kick me so much!

4: I was in your belly??

Me: Yep, and then you came out!

4: Then why is your belly still big?

Husband: Oh no

[Kyle Griffin @kylegriffin1]

Why would the president ever — ever — when talking about American COVID deaths, start a sentence with, "If you take the blue states out..."?

[Brandon @proathomedad]

A funny thing about parenting is when you feel like your parenting is getting really good, that’s just about the time your children start telling you what a terrible parent you are.

[Brandon @proathomedad]

Remember at the beginning of COVID and everybody was like “It only kills people with pre existing conditions big deal” but then they recommended people wear masks and all of a sudden people were like “WHAT?! SMALL FABRIC OVER MY FACE WILL LITERALLY SUFFOCATE ME AND I WILL DIE!”