Talking Monkey

The world's leading exporter of awful puns since 1809. (I do not tweet much these days.)

[Talking Monkey @psinerd]

I'm fucking sick of arguing with misogynists. Feminism is so simple a concept that even a woman can understand it. So why can't they?

[Samantha Haack @SamanthaRae49]

Instead of tweeting, I've been doing this thing where I say my jokes out loud in front of actual people. I know, it seems weird, but I kind of like it.

https://t.co/ij8D08KMXf

[Talking Monkey @psinerd]

Me: "I love old typefaces. You could say…"
Her: "Oh no please don't."
Me: "…I'm FONT of them."
Her: *Stabs me in the chest.*
Me: "Worth it."

[Talking Monkey @psinerd]

Whose dick do I have to suck to convince my family that I'm not gay?

[Talking Monkey @psinerd]

They say it's good to list a hobby in my résumé. Does keeping a pair of panties as souvenirs from every girl you fuck count?

[Talking Monkey @psinerd]

Roses are red,
Voilets are blue,
I don't have any standards,
So yes, of course I'll do you.

[Talking Monkey @psinerd]

I suggest trying getting nailed on a cross the Friday prior. https://t.co/6lgi5gwJIp

[Talking Monkey @psinerd]

Titanic: The Musical. The immortal love story of Jazz and Rock.

[Talking Monkey @psinerd]

UA Staff: "Is there a doctor on the plane?"
Passenger: "I'm a doctor! What's the emergency?"
UA Staff: "Watch us kick dis loser outta here."

[The Last Blockbuster @loneblockbuster]

Yesterday some 12 year old came in and asked us for one copy of "every movie that has titties in it."

[The Last Blockbuster @loneblockbuster]

Hey Pamela Birthy, you just checked in here on Foursquare but no one saw you come in. What's that all about?

[The Last Blockbuster @loneblockbuster]

We do ban guns on the premises but we have a bucket by the front door you can drop them in while you shop. It's the one labelled "guns."

[Talking Monkey @psinerd]

Girls, do not assume I want to fuck you just because I bought you a drink, I only want you to have a good time and sit on my face.

[Talking Monkey @psinerd]

It's not like I'm misspelling words on purpoise.

[Talking Monkey @psinerd]

I saw a woman flagellating her husband using a feline and thought to myself, "Wow, what a pussy-whipped guy!"

[Talking Monkey @psinerd]

There is more truth in what you type and delete than what you type and hit 'Send'.

[Talking Monkey @psinerd]

Not saying my GF is frigid but the only way I might accidentally get her pregnant will be if I jacked off into her bathtub.

[Talking Monkey @psinerd]

Neither do I. https://t.co/9jtIrLH91N

[Talking Monkey @psinerd]

Pussy got my tongue.

[Talking Monkey @psinerd]

I bet Uranus is feeling really sore due to constantly being at the recieving end of all those astronomical double entendres.