Finn ||doesnt feel real||

not new to edtwt or shtwt was on in 2020-2021, im 19, he/they, this is my online diary so alot of vents

[Finn ||doesnt feel real|| @pu4ge0fbugzz]

im losing my sanity more then weight at this point

[Finn ||doesnt feel real|| @pu4ge0fbugzz]

the urge to relapse

[Finn ||doesnt feel real|| @pu4ge0fbugzz]

my sister is making me ear breakfast and im about to start losing my mind

[Finn ||doesnt feel real|| @pu4ge0fbugzz]

im never going to outrun my lw. all my drs are like "u gained weight u used to be x u should do that again" I WAS WAS SEVERLY DISORDERED. like ik they dk my ed but seriously like i will never out run it

[Finn ||doesnt feel real|| @pu4ge0fbugzz]

looking at photos of my at my lw. my eyed were sunken in how did doctors look me in the eye and tell me to continue losing weight.

[Finn ||doesnt feel real|| @pu4ge0fbugzz]

my ptsd and my ed are linked so strong idk how to not relapse in ana when doing exposure therapy

[Finn ||doesnt feel real|| @pu4ge0fbugzz]

"i miss ana" i say actively wearing a heart monitor checking to see if i slowed my heart down. im so fr i miss it so bad idk how to not romanticize those those years

[Finn ||doesnt feel real|| @pu4ge0fbugzz]

ill never have a safe and comfortable relationship with food. ive been this way since 13 im doomed i fear

[Finn ||doesnt feel real|| @pu4ge0fbugzz]

i wish i didn't internalize other peoples feelings

[Finn ||doesnt feel real|| @pu4ge0fbugzz]

my mom thinks its to late to eat. im 19 idk why i cant just eat when i want to. her disapproval makes me think im binging but i logically know im not. ig ill just sleep the hunger away. i fear ill be disordered forever

[Finn ||doesnt feel real|| @pu4ge0fbugzz]

i want a j0int so bad omg

[Finn ||doesnt feel real|| @pu4ge0fbugzz]

drank at a party tn and i know why i had to stop a year ago this is great😭😭 i wasnt like addicted but addictive personality thingsss

[Finn ||doesnt feel real|| @pu4ge0fbugzz]

ill never out run my ana. i was at the dr and i hadnt been weighed since senior year of hs when i was severely ana. she was like "u gained weight" YEA NO SHIT BRO LIKE SORRY MY BAD? like sorry i started t and developed a dif ed

[Finn ||doesnt feel real|| @pu4ge0fbugzz]

my chest is fr starting to hurt and my mom is all mad at me for having symptoms like idk what to do im abt to break down

[Finn ||doesnt feel real|| @pu4ge0fbugzz]

all my drs are concerned and like doing blood work and i had to make a apt with my primary dr while my mom just gets annoyed and mad that im sick. my ed and me are such a burden to my family

[Finn ||doesnt feel real|| @pu4ge0fbugzz]

my heart rate ranges from 41-170 while awake and ive had a restrictive ed for now 6 years im freaking tf out lol im scared i did this to myself

[Finn ||doesnt feel real|| @pu4ge0fbugzz]

lols when do yk ur restricting has caused heart problems......

[Finn ||doesnt feel real|| @pu4ge0fbugzz]

never in my 6 years of restrive eds have i genuinely been worried abt my health. i had horrible heart palpitations last night for hours and arm numbness like oh shit im scared lol

[Finn ||doesnt feel real|| @pu4ge0fbugzz]

i think my potassium might be low and anything i mention maybe needing a dr im met with anger from my family

[Finn ||doesnt feel real|| @pu4ge0fbugzz]

ive had 900 cals today and my mom gave free meanspo when i went for something more. i need out of this house

[Finn ||doesnt feel real|| @pu4ge0fbugzz]

im destined to have a ed for the rest of my life its been almost 7 years of this shit