QB

[Secret Agent Mcgillicunty @ThatkidDavid1]

There’s gonna be a trans boy on the swim team and he’s gonna have his period in the pool and then sing shark in the water.

[Amtrak @Amtrak]

we know you’re excited about Glee coming back but please don’t do a cappella on the train

[Jack @GayLaVie]

Recession indicator final boss

[Meg @megannn_lynne]

a reese’s pumpkin can be a reason to live

[Pastor Kyle. @itsqail]

The T in Ticketmaster stands for terrorist organization

[Joshwelt @weltszzn]

Fries not coming with burgers anymore is the next crisis we need to tackle right after housing, mental health, and people who eat candy corn.

[The Weather Channel @weatherchannel]

we are officially weeks away from the sun setting at 4:30 pm. please begin mentally preparing to eat your dinner in the pitch black.

[sparkleboob @baysueb]

at the ren faire and my dress keeps getting stuck in my butt crack and a lady just came up and said thine dress is in thine crack

[neppy @neppy]

i love saying “sounds good” at work when i dont care at all

[moose @mooseincrisis]

a drone caught me at my lowest point and now thousands of people are watching me go through my annual identity crisis. i hate it here.

[Fairy Gothmother, MD @jenny2x4]

And yet they still keep inviting him back to host SNL

[latke @latkedelrey]

the experience of having had a sandwich so good that you and the person you ate it with reminisce about it semi regularly

[em @emilyagain]

I'm sorry I was 20 minutes late, I saw a rotund beagle in a matching raincoat, hat and boots and time momentarily froze

[perfect angel @girl__virus]

i've been nothing but a complete nightmare to you and this is how you treat me

[SMB Attorney @SMB_Attorney]

The best part of this story is somehow not the $128,514 in cash.

It’s what he did next...

> The guy finds an enormous bag of money, immediately thinks:
> “I need to get this somewhere safe. Who can I trust?”
> And drives straight to Chick-fil-A. 😂
> Not the bank.
> Not the police station.
> Chick-fil-A.

The manager stood there with him while he called 911.

That is an absolutely insane level of brand trust that they've built over decades of obsessing.

And no, Texas law does not make this “finders keepers.”

A finder of lost property may have rights against everyone except the true owner... but the true owner still wins!

[U.S. Soccer Men's National Team @USMNT]

JULIAN HALL HAMMERS IT HOME AND IT'S 3-1! 🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸

[miss understood @sonotsoul]

Ppl will make an imessage sticker out of yo ass if u not looking

[^_^ @misandrism]

Proud of finneas for speaking up and dropping out of the tour, but disappointed by the continued silence of Ferb.

[drew @ImNotOwned]

Not the point but isn’t Macklemore a weird opening act for Ed Sheeran

[Jason Goes to Hell @benedictsred]

White people are powerless against joining a conga line