Sam Sisson

Comedian. Air Sex Champion. Goblin Tornado.

[Sam Sisson @queefpantry]

@mariabamfoo I am avails today at 2 pm PST show of rough ideas and flawed premises!

[Sam Sisson @queefpantry]

Happy Father’s Day to the one true Father who farts in heaven or whatever

[Sam Sisson @queefpantry]

Yea, I have “Golden Retriever energy”

(Refuses to walk barefoot on tile floor)

[Sam Sisson @queefpantry]

@mariabamfoo 12:30 pst I can zoom listen one on on ftf with you today for one full hour!

[LLL @LuchaLibreLaugh]

Friday, June 2nd! It’s not LLL without a little Mitch Jones in the mix! He’ll be joined by Patrick Scott and Sam Sisson to keep you laughing between matches. Get your tickets today at https://t.co/Yw6kVzqTJ7

[Sam Sisson @queefpantry]

FYI Jesus was brown.

A white boy wouldn’t let his parents punish him.

[Sam Sisson @queefpantry]

I don’t condone violence, but I hope Will whispered “Welcome to Earth” after he did it.

[Sam Sisson @queefpantry]

I’ll find you!

[Sam Sisson @queefpantry]

THE DRESS IS WHITE AND GOLD!

THERE I SAID IT!

[Sam Sisson @queefpantry]

@mariabamfoo I am available RIGHT NOW to hear/see a 45 min Zoom set!

[Sam Sisson @queefpantry]

@CaytonHolland Me realizing you posted this on an app who’s logo is a bird

[Sam Sisson @queefpantry]

Lie and encourage others to lie.

[Sam Sisson @queefpantry]

For everyone upset about CDCs new asymptomatic/5 day isolation policy because they don’t feel it’s actually safe to return to work, my scientific recommendation is to LIE.

[Sam Sisson @queefpantry]

Late on this trend, but at least I’m not late for my period.

[Sam Sisson @queefpantry]

The feminine urge of loving accessories…to murder.

[Sam Sisson @queefpantry]

@hannahjonescool 🤣🤣🤣

[Sam Sisson @queefpantry]

@ComicMitchJones This is the tweet I didn’t know I needed

[Sam Sisson @queefpantry]

“I’ve always wanted to try stand up” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 🚩🚩🚩

[Sam Sisson @queefpantry]

Anthem of an aging millennial:

(sung to the tune of @Aerosmith ‘s “Back in the Saddle”)

🎶 MY BAAAAAAACK! MY BACK’S IN SHAMBLES AGAAAAAIN 🎶

[Sam Sisson @queefpantry]

Young guys will say stuff like “I’ll blow your back out” as if that’s something special.

Honey, I’m in my 30s. Sneezing blows my back out. You wanna impress me? Blow my back IN. Forget karma sutra—I want lumbar support.