brett

this is my bio

[brett @Rad_Lemur]

I feel guilty staying in on a Friday night after the Beastie Boys did all that fighting for our rights.

[Fomo Simpson @HaliPhacks]

I chimed in, "Haven't you people ever heard of closing the goddamn door?!"

God: *frustrated* When a door closes then I have to get up to open a window. It never ends with you people.

[big boy online @idonotbleed]

having sex with the tooth fairy and she’s feelin around under my pillow

[Cleavage Crumbs @CleavageCrumbs]

You strike me like one of those weirdos who uses paper towels to blow their nose...

[Boyd's Backyard™ @TheBoydP]

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.

[barrel rolls @barrel_rolls]

do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones

[Uncle Duke @UncleDuke1969]

i can’t believe that people still need to be told this

[BadMummy @WineMummy]

I’m wearing a sundress.

-Me, flirting.

[sam.i.am @samiam604]

What is one thing in life you would choose, if you knew that you couldn't fail?

For me, it would be easy.

I would choose you.

[❤️Hush Jared🤙 @HushJared]

[Flat-earth expedition log]

Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.

[tasty waste @Chloevol2]

Im so excited to get some pussy tonight
I mean, it's my own but still

[JediMasster7 @aster7_m]

stop being a fucking Mary and rub some dirt on it

~ me as a therapist

[Andy Ryan @ItsAndyRyan]

Me: I think I'm going deaf
Doctor: When did the symptoms start?
Me: Some time in the late 80s but Homer sounded really different then

[NurseBrianRN @rn_murse]

art surrounds us

[Bummer T. Vibes, Esq @VibesBummer]

I could’ve gotten all the necessary ingredients for this salad dressing on 2, maybe 3, islands.

[Kellalena @topaz_kell]

The new American dream is getting abducted by aliens.