RaisedBurrito

26

[goma @soigomaa]

If you're ever lost/stranded change your voicemail immediately to say where you are, who you were with, what time you arrived etc. When people notice you're missing and start calling you, the voicemail may just save your life especially if your phone goes dead or you have no service.

[ꕤ @rakkofan]

i wake up, i cry over spilt milk, put all of my eggs in one basket, bite off more than i can chew, jump the gun, fly off the handle and then die on that hill

[Rich @Crashhefner]

I recognize that sometimes I’m not the best at reaching out or staying in contact BUT whenever you need me, this is the type of friend I am. No questions asked

[𝒢𝒾𝓁𝒷ℯ𝓇𝓉 @AbakpaJob]

It's amazing how much you can accomplish around the house under the threat of someone coming over.

[MUST DIE! @MUSTDIEmusic]

I trapped Charlie Kirk’s soul in a lesser soul gem and am using it to power an air fryer

[marqix ☆ @fwmarqix]

Me: entering Japanese cat café.

employee stops me immediately.

Employee: One rule.

Me: Okay.

Employee: Orange cat bites people from France.

Me: I’m not French.

Employee: Good.

I sit down, cats everywhere, peaceful, adorable, therapeutic.

then gigantic orange cat jumps onto table, built like retired wrestler.

Cat staring at me aggressively.

Employee watching nervously from distance.

Me: I thought he only hated French people.

Employee: He improvises.

cat slowly pushes my drink off table while maintaining eye contact.

Me: THIS IS TARGETED.

small child nearby points at cat.

Child: That one evil.

Employee: No no, He just passionate.

cat suddenly climbs onto my lap, starts purring violently.

Me: …wait he likes me?

Employee shocked.

Employee: Impossible.

another worker comes over, then another, entire staff now observing me like chosen prophet.

Manager arrives.

Manager: He has never trusted customer before.

Me: What does that mean.

Manager bows slightly.

Manager: You must take him.

Me: TAKE HIM WHERE.

orange cat already asleep on me.

Employee quietly bringing adoption papers.

Me: I CAME HERE FOR COFFEE.

[Pengu @Penguxn]

if you think uncomfortable conversations are hard wait until you see the results of not having them

[masha @masha_slp]

When you realize that routines are actually rituals of devotion to yourself and your dreams they become much easier to follow

[𝓐 ⭑ @ayojoestar]

can we talk about the withdrawals that come with no longer speaking to a person you spoke to every single day?

[valentine @valawakened]

sex is cool but have u ever heard the laugh of someone u love n felt like ur entire heart was sent to heaven n back

[Freyy @Freyy_is]

we got tired of asking “what should we eat tonight?” so we wrote all our favorite dinners on slips of paper and put them in a jar. every week we draw from it. dinner lottery.

[ryan @greatvaluemilf]

im convinced nobody pays for their own phone plan anymore you just stay on your parents plan until you die

[addi ☁️ @beefdogcoffee]

i am a sucker for slowburns where one of them has been in love with the other since forever and has been keeping it to themselves as a secret to take to the grave while the other just realised their feelings in an italic 'oh' moment and are having a full blown panic over it

[Out of Context Simpsons Couch Gags @OOCCouchGags]

Yea, this is going be good

[mia 🌱 @ post HW @httpsw33t]

what's up with men getting really angry at you when you ask for basic human decency and some respect as a woman

[giftlove @giftlovej]

Anyone who doesn't retweet the lucky 🍀 cat will not get the February blessings.

[• @WordsCocoon]

"Congratulations, you passed."
"Congratulations, you're hired."
"Congratulations, you are amazing"
"Congratulations, you've been approved."
"Congratulations, you've been accepted."
"Congratulations, you've been promoted."

All in February. Claim it!

[Dexerto @Dexerto]

You can now rescue cats stuck in high places as a firefighter in the new GTA Online update

[The Luigi Case @LuigiCaseFiles]

BREAKING: Federal judge has ruled that Luigi Mangione will not face the death penalty.