coors: our beer is different. it’s cold
me: the other beers are cold too
coors: how can u be sure
me: they’re in refrigerators
coors: yet their cans have remained the same color. seems very suspicious
@GoonerFields my old account is gone so i’m bringing a few of my favorites back. sorry if the 3 seconds it took to read this joke inconvenienced you, tim
some guy a long time ago: it’s my birthday
friends: nice. what if we all sang u a song about it while we all stare at u
guy: i would hate it
friends: oh ya we would too
guy: perfect. let’s do that forever
@SimonRosth@GayWithBroadway complaining about the birthday song isn’t exactly an original idea, but i wrote this a year ago on my old account. i just searched and his tik tok skits weren’t posted until november
how was “philosopher” ever a job lmao like was socrates sippin wine on a balcony somewhere drunkenly slurring shit like “to find urself, think for urself” with a crowd cheering underneath him like fuck yes socrates another banger this man will not miss