randy

an idiot

[randy @randyfactory]

muhammad ali: float like a butterfly

jellyfish: done

muhammad ali: sting like a bee

jellyfish: i am nailing this

[randy @randyfactory]

@dovlomir more people live in iowa than in albania. i already knew this and definitely didn’t google it

[randy @randyfactory]

exec: so she fucks the bee

creator: haha what no not at all

exec:

creator: *under breath* she definitely thinks about it tho

[randy @randyfactory]

crazy how ur appendix is just like i simply do not vibe with u anymore

[randy @randyfactory]

@bunnytunnels counterpoint: why arent people talking about shrek more

[randy @randyfactory]

hey remember when shrek used his giant green hands to take the helmet off his giant green head and fiona was shocked to find out he was an ogre

[randy @randyfactory]

@FireBeets that is so sick

[randy @randyfactory]

@corpserot_ thank u ultemecia the time witch

[randy @randyfactory]

bartender: can i tell u about this IPA

me: i’m a 26 year old white male

bartender: [nervous] c-can u tell me about this IPA

[randy @randyfactory]

me: eat this food

baby: never

me: the food is now an airplane

baby: “never” was a strong word

[randy @randyfactory]

coors: our beer is different. it’s cold

me: the other beers are cold too

coors: how can u be sure

me: they’re in refrigerators

coors: yet their cans have remained the same color. seems very suspicious

[randy @randyfactory]

[outside a cage the elephant show]

|￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣|
| FREE HIM |
|＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿|
\ (•_•) /
\ /
---
| |

[randy @randyfactory]

@GoonerFields my old account is gone so i’m bringing a few of my favorites back. sorry if the 3 seconds it took to read this joke inconvenienced you, tim

[randy @randyfactory]

billy joel: she’s an uptown girl

me: where has she been living

billy joel: ur not gonna believe this

[randy @randyfactory]

@_jennatural back like i never left

[randy @randyfactory]

@SimonRosth @GayWithBroadway nah i know i don’t think either of us copied the other, i just wanted to get it out there before ppl start accusing me

[randy @randyfactory]

some guy a long time ago: it’s my birthday

friends: nice. what if we all sang u a song about it while we all stare at u

guy: i would hate it

friends: oh ya we would too

guy: perfect. let’s do that forever

[randy @randyfactory]

@SimonRosth @GayWithBroadway complaining about the birthday song isn’t exactly an original idea, but i wrote this a year ago on my old account. i just searched and his tik tok skits weren’t posted until november

[randy @randyfactory]

@gina_goldberg how bout this. we put the fire hazard on top of food that everyone will eat and then i’ll use my own spit to extinguish it

[randy @randyfactory]

@nyquills everyone: what about u

captain america: shiny frisbee

[randy @randyfactory]

@alouettev i am once again asking people to stop accusing me of stealing my own tweets

[randy @randyfactory]

how was “philosopher” ever a job lmao like was socrates sippin wine on a balcony somewhere drunkenly slurring shit like “to find urself, think for urself” with a crowd cheering underneath him like fuck yes socrates another banger this man will not miss