Randy Smith

Leave a Comment. Makes me feel good. Award winning Comedian. Follow for dry one Liners. Trying to make you smile. Tweets on @Chive @Someecards

[Randy Smith @RandySmithWhat]

I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.

[Randy Smith @RandySmithWhat]

If you have a god given talent you’re a nepo baby…which brings me to my issues with Jesus

[Randy Smith @RandySmithWhat]

Me: pretty awesome that all the coolest jobs require the least amount of education. We ready?

Bungee Cord Guy: you bet amigo!

[Randy Smith @RandySmithWhat]

If I can’t understand your vanity licence plate is it even vain?

[Randy Smith @RandySmithWhat]

@camjokesaround I dunno. I sense tension. 😆

[Randy Smith @RandySmithWhat]

When you’re an adult the time to get to your destination depends on traffic.

When you’re an adult with a child it depends on number of pinecones on the sidewalk.

[Randy Smith @RandySmithWhat]

@DougStanhope great show last night. Haven’t laughed that hard in a while. Was hoping you could remind me what the first thing you wrote on that paper that has all those ideas you have when on an edible. It was so funny.

[Randy Smith @RandySmithWhat]

@nygrlnla Lol true

[Randy Smith @RandySmithWhat]

Apparently I’d rather stare at my shoes for 5 minutes than walk out at the same time as my neighbour.

[Randy Smith @RandySmithWhat]

@TurboTaxCanada I need your help. I used ESP to RSVP my RRSP and now the OPP want me to reply ASAP

[Randy Smith @RandySmithWhat]

Forget luxury purses, the truest money flex is being a parent and taking your kids anywhere fun.

[Randy Smith @RandySmithWhat]

If you had to enter the Physical: 100 Korean show on Netflix but all the competitors were different versions of you throughout your life. What place would you come in if you entered as yourself today? #Physical100

[Randy Smith @RandySmithWhat]

Just ran a 5K to raise awareness that bees can chase you for up to 5K

[Randy Smith @RandySmithWhat]

Figured out I can control the living room speakers from the driveway and start playing a song before I open the door as a kind of wrestling entrance.

Today I chose Cant Hold Us by Macklemore.

I forgot the baby was sleeping and boy did I not get the reception I was looking for.

[Randy Smith @RandySmithWhat]

Ya my parents had it tough but they’ll never know the struggle of buying banana quantities online

[Randy Smith @RandySmithWhat]

If it’s gluten free then why do they make it so gluten expensive?

[Randy Smith @RandySmithWhat]

Red Pill: Take medication.

Blue Pill: Did I already take this?

[Randy Smith @RandySmithWhat]

@ghost_of_pluto @Fred_Delicious Those who know, know.

[Randy Smith @RandySmithWhat]

@MattTalkToEm I don’t. Know. 😭

[Randy Smith @RandySmithWhat]

@probsnotjustin Because I have no idea what I’m doing. I thought that was clear.

[Randy Smith @RandySmithWhat]

Sir the bank was just robbed

Did they get the pens?

No they're still chained to the counter

Thank god