???

me ranting about my problems

[??? @rantingme]

The thoughts are back. I keep ignoring the urges. I don’t want to use her passing as an excuse to cut myself. I won’t do that to her memory. But I’m so desperate. I can’t handle these thoughts or emotions anymore. I want to cut myself. I hate my body, my mind, my life everything

[??? @rantingme]

I thought I was getting better but I’m realizing that I have dissociated and I wasn’t actually getting better and I’ve once again made the realization that I’m so very unhappy and I need help

[??? @rantingme]

My bf said something and made me realize once again how selfish I can be. He was only making a joke so why am I taking it so serious and why does he have a point. And why does it hurt

[??? @rantingme]

and we talk. She’s the only one who listens and she the only one I’ll ever call my best friend.

[??? @rantingme]

I have a friend who I don’t talk to or keep with. Every now and then I’ll like her post on instagram. To everyone she’s just a girl i went to school with but she’s my best friend. And every year we meet up at least once and when i see her I want to hug her but i don’t, I smile

[??? @rantingme]

Laying down in my messy bed listening to music as I try to imagine slicing my throat. The pain, the bleeding, and the feeling of release as I choke on my blood

[??? @rantingme]

My muha has run out and I can’t get high to cope. I’m having a really really shitty morning and I need to cut my throat. I need to cut it. I have to feel the release and the relief of the it

[??? @rantingme]

I was doing so well but my family recently has been pushing me over the edge again. And today I especially couldn’t handle being near any of them. I cut my throat. But I need to do it again. I need to make more and more.

[??? @rantingme]

I ate too much food yesterday. I haven’t been able to workout. I feel like there’s no progress. I had a breakdown about my body. I have shapewear on rn. And I took a belt and wrapped it tightly. I couldn’t breathe but it’s the only way to have a small waist.

[??? @rantingme]

Todays meals.
Breakfast: nothing
Lunch: apples slices with cinnamon
Dinner: nothing.
Snack: water

[??? @rantingme]

I’m doing good with eating. I have one meal a day and even then it’s half of the meal that I normally eat. It’s so easy to not eat. I have to convince myself to eat now.

[??? @rantingme]

I accidentally triggered myself when I was dying my hair. I was using my eyebrow razor to cut open the bottle. The razor broke and this is how I ended up using it.

[??? @rantingme]

I really want to relapse but I’m trying not to. I’m trying to do better for my boyfriend. But this is so hard. I’m always imagining just dragging the razor across my wrist and my neck. I don’t want to die I just want to bleed

[??? @rantingme]

I gained two fucking pounds. I need to lose it quick and now. What’s worse is that last night I got high and asked my sisters if they wanted to eat. So I paid for the food and I ate a huge burger with two tacos on the side with a large coke. I’m so fucking disgusting

[??? @rantingme]

The next time I check I have to be at 130 exactly or 128. I need to be 110 or 100 by summer.

[??? @rantingme]

I haven’t checked my weight for a few days. When I first started I was 142. Last time I checked I was 132.7 pounds. My scale needs new batteries but I can’t find a screw so I’m just going to keep starving myself and at the end of the week I’ll check my weight

[??? @rantingme]

But also I kept thinking who is he going to turn to when he needs advice or support for dealing with my problems. I hope he finds support in not just me but in his friends too. The last thing I want is to drag him down with me.

[??? @rantingme]

I gave my bf my blades. Not all of them but the ones I primarily used. The whole time I opened up to him I kept feeling guilty. Because the whole I kept thinking that it would’ve been better if he kept living blissfully in his own world away from my problems

[??? @rantingme]

I wasn’t supposed to cut my wrist. I was so sure that I’d be able to stay clean tonight for my boyfriend. He truly cares and I’ve never felt this love from anyone. I need to stay clean for him if not for myself. I’ll do better and I will stop cutting