Raphael

Pizza is King. Kowabunga!

[Raphael @raphaelredd]

I don't know why they keep opening these Halloween stores around here. Those things last two months max and then go under.

[Raphael @raphaelredd]

the bubonic plague is in my state now

[Raphael @raphaelredd]

[walks into work wearing sword] Me: Sorry I'm late boss Boss: Were you out sword shopping? Me [simultaneously]: I was out sword shopping

[Raphael @raphaelredd]

[as our plane crashes towards the ground] I havent even watched game of thrones yet

[Raphael @raphaelredd]

dating website search filter: age: any hair colour: any body type: any height: any pets: dog

[Raphael @raphaelredd]

Inventor of the pea shooter: You know what would make a good weapon? Peas.

[Raphael @raphaelredd]

[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife] Wife: Look at it's little heart beating! Isn't it amazing... Me: It looks like a crossiant

[Raphael @raphaelredd]

Career-aptitude test result: Crazy old dude who fails to warn teens away from cursed summer camps

[Raphael @raphaelredd]

You wake up on a canoe that's about to go over a huge waterfall but at least you probably won't have to go to work today

[Raphael @raphaelredd]

*lights cigar with expired Southwest Airlines drink coupon*

[Raphael @raphaelredd]

[Titanic] Captain: hey its women & children 1st asshole Me: [floating off in life boat] I was born on a leap year so im technically 7yrs old

[Raphael @raphaelredd]

Son don't be afraid of ghosts. I'd be more afraid of phantoms wraiths spirits and poltergeists

[Raphael @raphaelredd]

I just started watching Empire. I already love Cookie

[Raphael @raphaelredd]

This isn't rocket science. - unemployed rocket scientist

[Raphael @raphaelredd]

No matter what differences we might have we're all united in our hatred of anyone who buys a drum kit for a toddler

[Raphael @raphaelredd]

Sweater designer: I'm all out of ideas *sees a turtle* Oh holy shit hell yeah motherfucker

[Raphael @raphaelredd]

If you have a loud phone conversation in public then I have every right to interpretive dance to what you're saying

[Raphael @raphaelredd]

[therapy] this is dave his dad took off when he was 4 do you have any questions for him [raises hand] Yes Keith. Was your dad a helicopter?

[Raphael @raphaelredd]

[what i think when im talking to a girl] i hope she thinks im funny [what a girl thinks when im talking to her] he hasnt blinked in 15 mins

[Raphael @raphaelredd]

Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it's like that now?