Richard Beier

Experienced practitioner of Caffeine-Driven Development.

[i2cjak @i2cjak]

I was shooting heroin and reading “The Fountainhead” in the front seat of my privately owned police cruiser when a call came in. I put a quarter in the radio to activate it. It was the chief.

“Bad news, detective. We got a situation.”

“What? Is the mayor trying to ban trans fats again?”

“Worse. Somebody just stole four hundred and forty-seven million dollars’ worth of bitcoins.”

The heroin needle practically fell out of my arm. “What kind of monster would do something like that? Bitcoins are the ultimate currency: virtual, anonymous, stateless. They represent true economic freedom, not subject to arbitrary manipulation by any government. Do we have any leads?”

“Not yet. But mark my words: we’re going to figure out who did this and we’re going to take them down … provided someone pays us a fair market rate to do so.”

“Easy, chief,” I said. “Any rate the market offers is, by definition, fair.”

He laughed. “That’s why you’re the best I got, Lisowski. Now you get out there and find those bitcoins.”

“Don’t worry,” I said. “I’m on it.”

I put a quarter in the siren. Ten minutes later, I was on the scene. It was a normal office building, strangled on all sides by public sidewalks. I hopped over them and went inside.

“Home Depot™ Presents the Police!®” I said, flashing my badge and my gun and a small picture of Ron Paul. “Nobody move unless you want to!” They didn’t.

“Now, which one of you punks is going to pay me to investigate this crime?” No one spoke up.

“Come on,” I said. “Don’t you all understand that the protection of private property is the foundation of all personal liberty?”

It didn’t seem like they did.

“Seriously, guys. Without a strong economic motivator, I’m just going to stand here and not solve this case. Cash is fine, but I prefer being paid in gold bullion or autographed Penn Jillette posters.”

Nothing. These people were stonewalling me. It almost seemed like they didn’t care that a fortune in computer money invented to buy drugs was missing.

I figured I could wait them out. I lit several cigarettes indoors. A pregnant lady coughed, and I told her that secondhand smoke is a myth. Just then, a man in glasses made a break for it.

“Subway™ Eat Fresh and Freeze, Scumbag!®” I yelled.

Too late. He was already out the front door. I went after him.

“Stop right there!” I yelled as I ran. He was faster than me because I always try to avoid stepping on public sidewalks. Our country needs a private-sidewalk voucher system, but, thanks to the incestuous interplay between our corrupt federal government and the public-sidewalk lobby, it will never happen.

I was losing him. “Listen, I’ll pay you to stop!” I yelled. “What would you consider an appropriate price point for stopping? I’ll offer you a thirteenth of an ounce of gold and a gently worn ‘Bob Barr ‘08’ extra-large long-sleeved men’s T-shirt!”

He turned. In his hand was a revolver that the Constitution said he had every right to own. He fired at me and missed. I pulled my own gun, put a quarter in it, and fired back. The bullet lodged in a U.S.P.S. mailbox less than a foot from his head. I shot the mailbox again, on purpose.

“All right, all right!” the man yelled, throwing down his weapon. “I give up, cop! I confess: I took the bitcoins.”

“Why’d you do it?” I asked, as I slapped a pair of Oikos™ Greek Yogurt Presents Handcuffs® on the guy.

“Because I was afraid.”

“Afraid?”

“Afraid of an economic future free from the pernicious meddling of central bankers,” he said. “I’m a central banker.”

I wanted to coldcock the guy. Years ago, a central banker killed my partner. Instead, I shook my head.

“Let this be a message to all your central-banker friends out on the street,” I said. “No matter how many bitcoins you steal, you’ll never take away the dream of an open society based on the principles of personal and economic freedom.”

He nodded, because he knew I was right. Then he swiped his credit card to pay me.

[Richard Beier @rbeier]

Do they also have spatial price cuts? Spiritual price cuts? 🤔

[styx 🐯 @styxxsyringe]

like why do you have to be in fucking las vegas. i don't have las vegas money. i just wanna smooch the mascot

[Richard Beier @rbeier]

I would have been happy to go through my whole life without ever learning about the JVM heap...

[Richard Beier @rbeier]

Belling... hamsters? 🐹

[Avery Edison @aedison]

one of the best metafilter comments of all time gets more relevant every day

[Richard Beier @rbeier]

"People fall in love!" man in coffee shop declares, angrily

[Richard Beier @rbeier]

AI adoption: speedrunning the stages of grief

[Richard Beier @rbeier]

A: "The model isn't an ML model"
B: "Oh, what kind of model is it?"
A: "An if statement"

[Richard Beier @rbeier]

@LinkofSunshine Seerius probleem

[Richard Beier @rbeier]

@onionweigher why is there a calculator on the wall

[Andrew Hilary🇵🇸 @AndrewHilaryUS]

I saw this yesterday and haven’t stopped thinking about it

[David Moscrop @David_Moscrop]

Solidarity with workers demanding that their rights be respected.

[eigen moomin @eigen_moomin]

regular baptisms aren't idempotent so the church had to create a composition-safe monadic baptism

[Richard Beier @rbeier]

Typical failed Omelas implementation

[JL @JackPLamb]

There is a man trapped inside the Bean

[Maher Arar @ArarMaher]

Close to 240 journalists murdered in cold blood by the fascist state of Israel. But what is important is not to protest in front of Mélanie Joly's house.

[Richard Beier @rbeier]

Tableau is the worst business product I've ever used. I just thought you should know.

[Shane Martínez @martinezdefence]

@AnitaAnandMP Canada's actions speak louder than its words.

Arms exports to 🇮🇱 continue. Military cooperation with 🇮🇱 continues. Trade with 🇮🇱 continues.

Canada has shirked all of its international commitments to peace and human rights where Gaza is concerned.

[Jonathan Cook @Jonathan_K_Cook]

It's now clear why the BBC dared not air the documentary Doctors under Attack. It shows beyond doubt that Israel is systematically destroying the health sector in Gaza as part of a campaign of genocidal violence.

In the UK, watch the film here: https://t.co/MUYqTLadAK