Doctor Jansen

Streamer, wrestling watcher, videogame enthusiast

[Norm Macdonald Joke of the Day @NormSNLJokes]

And finally, Weekend Update would like to congratulate Madonna, who gave birth to a beautiful baby girl last Monday.

The baby weighed in at six pounds, nine ounces, making it the fourth largest object ever to pass through Madonna's birth canal.

Congratulations, Madonna!

[Police Simulator @PolSimulator]

We just released an update across PC, PlayStation & Xbox, introducing the promised voice overs and some general improvements! 🚨

With this update, our work on this project is officially complete, and it’s time for us to pack up and head out on new operations! See you on duty! ⭐

[Norm Macdonald Joke of the Day @NormSNLJokes]

And in music news, number one on the college charts this summer was Better Than Ezra.

And, at number two?

Ezra.

[Match of the Day @BBCMOTD]

Some sad news to bring you.

AC Milan and Italy legend Franco Baresi has died aged 66. Our thoughts are with his family and friends.

[The Touchline | 𝐓 @TouchlineX]

Football legend Franco Baresi has passed away at the age of 66... One of the greatest defenders in the history of the game.

Rest in peace. Sending strength and condolences to his family and loved ones. 🤍🙏

[Doctor Jansen @reallyhotmess]

Time for 87 minutes of parking the bus! #FRAENG

[ABC News @ABC]

BREAKING: Actor Sam Neill, best known for his roles in the “Jurassic Park” films, has died, according to his official social media account. He was 78. https://t.co/JoaF9nIK51

[IGN @IGN]

Legendary Welsh singer and songwriter Bonnie Tyler, best known for Total Eclipse of the Heart and Holding Out for a Hero has died aged 75.

[Norm Macdonald Joke of the Day @NormSNLJokes]

It was revealed today that O.J. Simpson told police that Nicole Brown Simpson used to beat him up.

He also claimed that she and Ron Goldman killed him.

[ESPN @espn]

What a career for Captain Serious 👏

3x Stanley Cup champion, Jonathan Toews, has officially announced his retirement from the NHL.

[Norm Macdonald Joke of the Day @NormSNLJokes]

Kenny G has a Christmas album out this year.

Hey, happy birthday, Jesus. Hope you like crap!

[Liverpool FC @LFC]

Liverpool FC can confirm Arne Slot is to depart his role as head coach with immediate effect and that the process to appoint a successor is under way.

He leaves with a Premier League title to his name and our deepest gratitude and appreciation.

[Spittin' Chiclets @spittinchiclets]

We are devastated and heartbroken by the passing of Claude Lemieux. Sending thoughts and condolences to his family and loved ones ❤️

[Norm Macdonald Joke of the Day @NormSNLJokes]

Well, it is finally official.

Murder is legal in the state of California.

[God @TheTweetOfGod]

#Eurovision2026 is making Me feel like I should only have created six continents.

[Norm Macdonald Joke of the Day @NormSNLJokes]

In publishing news, Magic Johnson has received a five million dollar advance from Random House for his new book, entitled "What You Can Do to Avoid AIDS."

Chapter one?

"Don't have sex with me."

[Doctor Jansen @reallyhotmess]

Set piece FC cause they can't do anything else. Fuck this. #ARSATM

[Connor McDavid @cmcdavid97]

Tht feeling you get wen you know its over

[Troll Football @TrollFootball]

Atletico Madrid and Arsenal starting XI