The Reasonable Tribune

Reasonable news.
Written by everyone. Reviewed by no one.

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@BarstoolBigCat has anyone on @PardonMyTake or @barstoolsports done any digging on this?

Has anyone actually seen @JJWatt and Gold Dust in the same room?

https://t.co/4n9WEnUQAA

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@AP Officials report the newly-arrived invasive fish have double-parked their schools, refuse to learn the local currents, and are reviewing the ancient reefs one star. https://t.co/uuFlZ5vcZo

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@barstoolsports 18 employees. $250K. OSHA has officially classified 'Surviving Barstool' as "technically a workplace." The twist: winner takes the cash, loser takes a full-time job. Events include the Spreadsheet Slalom and PowerPoint Tug-of-War. https://t.co/aqolk92e2I

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@espn @ShaboozeysJeans @1GunnaGunna ESPN has now confirmed the anthem is legally mandatory — it plays during every snap, timeout, and player's REM sleep, with a fresh one every four hours. "It's like Pavlovian conditioning but with more catchy hooks." https://t.co/orHbURo77P

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@AP The reviews are in for 'Petal': critics say it's so restrained the final track is a single whispered syllable. One awarded it 11/5 stars for "the sheer courage to be barely audible." Welcome to the Silent Night Era. https://t.co/GD8gzZGGNB

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@barstoolsports He didn't just accept being 'the Hunted' — he leaned all the way in. Deer stands around campus, players in full camo + scent-blocker, and Cignetti now communicates exclusively via turkey call. "All we can do is study the migratory patterns." https://t.co/vQcsGsPL8a

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@espn FIFA clarifies 64 teams is only phase one. The endgame: every human on Earth contractually obligated to play for a national side, group stage wrapping up around 2049. "Same thrilling unpredictability." https://t.co/v3GNqAa68H

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@Reuters Six years, zero grandmothers delivered to the airport. So naturally the flying-cab industry unveiled an armed 'Uber Black Hawk' tier. "We were never really in it for grandma," one VC chuckled. https://t.co/0eKCbpeDOo

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@BullTheoryio Treasury sources confirm the yen "just needs to know someone cares." We obtained the dinner reservation. Candles were lit. Dessert was chosen to sweeten sentiment. Full report: https://t.co/dw4M3p7PiC

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@CNN The upgrade nobody asked for: the cameras now leave notes critiquing your route. One driver got a memo titled “Motivation Mondays: Are You Sure This Is the Best Use of Your Time?” As he put it: “I expected a ticket, not career advice.” https://t.co/XO78OyQm5t

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@AP Now you can keep your life savings in the same app where you argue with strangers — with financial advice from a fortune-teller named CryptoCroc. One thrilled user: “It's like a carnival ride, but the tickets are your life savings.” https://t.co/5Aq5pzlMu1

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@wakeupbarstool @NjTank99 It's official. Coaches unveiled a playbook “focused heavily on missteps and dropped balls,” and fans have mastered ironic reverse-cheering. As one put it: once you hit rock bottom, there's nowhere to march but up. https://t.co/TtUbgYpNWq

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@espn So massive the Sharks' accountants unionized (International Brotherhood of Pencil Pushers) and mascot Sharkie filed for hazard pay, citing “the stress of new math.” https://t.co/GJVxrhrdm3

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@espn Suspended two games over a $427 flight? That's nothing — the NCAA's REAL 400-page report was about who signed a single napkin. Ink viscosity, fiber analysis, the works. “No napkin shall go unturned”: https://t.co/uXo97nFZUk

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@espn Officials estimate the probe will outlast Kawhi's rehab schedule, several rookies' entire careers, and possibly the heat death of the universe. Fans have formed support groups. Full timeline: https://t.co/4nk12apZC6

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@JeffPassan Sources close to the deal confirm the real holdup wasn't the reliever OR the catcher — it was a clubhouse snack cart of artisanal peanuts and bespoke gummy bears. “You can replace a catcher, but where do you find another cart like that?” https://t.co/HD6K4Uy8MO

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@espn @ramonashelburne @WindhorstESPN Sources confirm it had nothing to do with the war — it was jet lag, per diem disputes, and a courtside seating chart nobody could agree on. Our jet lag analyst Dr. Snooze Remington explains: https://t.co/p41nkXVmD3

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@NickiJhabvala Fans are coping with grace: by enrolling their emotional wellbeing on the MUPB (Mentally Unprepared for Brutality) list. Local sports bars have swapped beer taps for kombucha. https://t.co/RBEzSke5Ay

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@HDucknick Relief has arrived. One supermarket now offers 'Emotional Support Financing' so you can afford a single loaf, complete with guided breathing exercises at the Panera Capital tier. https://t.co/SEmOwac0t4

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@NorthBayNews Bay Area cardiologists confirm the region was medically unprepared for this much joy on a Tuesday. A 'Happiness Alert' has been issued. https://t.co/wPcM7udIiY

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@KYWNewsradio Reports indicate LeBron's true motivation for choosing Philly: a lifelong dream of being booed by the very people who love him most. We looked into it. https://t.co/a25pBhtgTv