Totally Not a Witch

This is just a dumpster fire that is occasionally fed with the coal of afterthoughts.

[Totally Not a Witch @reducedbryce]

@TMobileHelp Why can’t I buy a new phone from Apple for my partner on our T-Mobile account?

All phones are owned/paid, no overdue balance, and I’ve been a customer for 8+ years. All devices are available for upgrade.

Apple Store tells me to contact carrier for “denying upgrade”

[Totally Not a Witch @reducedbryce]

It shouldn’t have taken me this long to realize Hipsters are practically modern Flappers of the 21st century.

[Totally Not a Witch @reducedbryce]

@Malcontent79 fr, that kid had like 3!

[Totally Not a Witch @reducedbryce]

The first person to discover butter must have been like, “Oh crap I just ruined the families milk!” and then probably pretended they made it on purpose when someone tried it on their pancakes.

[Totally Not a Witch @reducedbryce]

Guys, working out is a scam. Your laundry like doubles and you live longer, effectively tripling your laundry.

[Totally Not a Witch @reducedbryce]

The state needs to introduce a buyback program for Keurig machines similar to the assault rifle buyback.

[Totally Not a Witch @reducedbryce]

I want to be able to look at life’s challenges the way my cat looks at me when I clean up his vomit. Confidently indifferent while lounging comfortably in the corner.

[Totally Not a Witch @reducedbryce]

My name isn’t, and never was, John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt. I only said it was because that’s what the cool kids at camp were doing too.

[Totally Not a Witch @reducedbryce]

Crazy that you can’t spell “cancel culture” without “uncut cell care”

[Totally Not a Witch @reducedbryce]

Ever feel like you’d love to have a podcast but you don’t have a good mic or anything to say?

[SEDONA @sedonaprince_]

Let me put it on Twitter too cause this needs the attention

[Totally Not a Witch @reducedbryce]

@RepMTG @RepMarieNewman Fixed it

[Totally Not a Witch @reducedbryce]

I’m not sure why it took until the middle of March for me to realize I don’t appreciate being judged by some old, chubby white dude trying to outshine Jesus on his birthday.

[Totally Not a Witch @reducedbryce]

@Mickey_Cloudz I don’t know what this means but I feel both honored and offended

[Totally Not a Witch @reducedbryce]

@Mickey_Cloudz My understanding is they aren’t fking anyone. Was I mistaken?

[Totally Not a Witch @reducedbryce]

@SquareEnix @tombraider I just realized it’s a play on words! #SquareEnixPresents

[Totally Not a Witch @reducedbryce]

I finally got a hair cut after all of this quarantine and was able to donate it to Locks of Its-the-Thought-That-Counts

[Totally Not a Witch @reducedbryce]

@ApolloNano nano_11m6iay8hrrymn5qei8ykydwryqmehjd7bom6mbh88cqngnrcuq6ui5bboih