Renata Barletto

[Renata Barletto @rennybaybee]

Theres still a voicemail on my phone from 2009 of my ex bf playing/singing "Kiss Me Thru the Phone" by Soulja Boy. Good memories.. #thru

[Renata Barletto @rennybaybee]

*Transfers $13 from Venmo to bank account*
Me, debating buying food: 🤔 well, I DID just come into some money...

[Renata Barletto @rennybaybee]

Y’all ever see a certain someone view your IG story & react like, “ew can you not?”
strangers are fine to watch me dance around half naked but that one person I’m annoyed with doesn’t have the right:
“Don’t fuckin look at my pictures of ramen noodles Sharon” 🙄😂💁🏼‍♀️

[Renata Barletto @rennybaybee]

Me at the start the of month: orders UberEats from a restaurant 5 blocks away
End of month: transforms into a real-life ‘Chopped’ chef- making gourmet dinners with whatever 5 obscure/mold-free ingredients found in the fridge 💁🏼‍♀️

[Renata Barletto @rennybaybee]

Bugs are personally offensive...

Fly lands on my arm- who TF said you could touch me bro??!

Spider on the wall - I’m sorry...I don’t remember inviting you over 🤔

Bee buzzing near my head- personal space my dude ✋🏼. back. UP

Mosquito exists- fuck u Craig🖕🏼

[Renata Barletto @rennybaybee]

Imagine one day a kid pointed to the sky like, “🤔☝🏼hey look, all those clouds have a silvery looking outline!”

Years later, we’re out here using it as a saying about hope & optimism ☁️😂 #silverlinings #profoundAF

[Renata Barletto @rennybaybee]

Lol remember in college when ramen was just a fun drunk snack?! Now it’s a staple “rents due next week” meal in the monthly rotation 😂💁🏼‍♀️🍲 #goodtimes

[Renata Barletto @rennybaybee]

I consider myself a good person, but I also enjoy trapping flies in between the window glass & the screen...so I might be a sociopath. 😳🤷🏼‍♀️

[Renata Barletto @rennybaybee]

😂😂😂

[Renata Barletto @rennybaybee]

@WillllnotBillll Hahaha. Yeah I got it like 10 mins later

[Renata Barletto @rennybaybee]

Tbh, asparagus is a pain in the ass

[Renata Barletto @rennybaybee]

I’m either A) starting a business to help men improve their dating profiles, or B) starting a social media page to share the CRAZY shit I’m seeing out there 🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️

[Renata Barletto @rennybaybee]

On dating apps I suddenly become a diagnostic expert:

“Image obsessed narcissist”

“commitment issues”

“This dude hasnt come out yet?”

“Speaks 3 languages & has better travel stories than you”

“Moderate scoliosis & spinal stenosis with a slight anterior pelvic tilt”

[Renata Barletto @rennybaybee]

@agrizzell_ Had to read this 3 times but LOLd once it landed 😂

[Renata Barletto @rennybaybee]

@Dadjokemomjeans Lol. They’re chatting with 10 other matches & doin the same shit you are

[Renata Barletto @rennybaybee]

Whenever I post a picture of my pitbulls online, I tag Pitbull, hoping he’ll open it like: “DAMNIT, AGAIN?!?” And contemplate the douchiness of his existence #mr305

[Renata Barletto @rennybaybee]

Me watching Ozark: I want to launder money & be a heartless badass shot-caller for the Cartel

Me, same day, watching Queer Eye: *sobbing* yasss 👏🏼 Queens 👏🏼 you 👏🏼 teach 👏🏼 that 👏🏼 goofy 👏🏼 straight👏🏼 man 👏🏼 to 👏🏼 live 👏🏼 his 👏🏼 BEST👏🏼 life 😭😭😭

[Renata Barletto @rennybaybee]

26 y.o and I still have to spell them out before deciding if it’s couch or coach that is appropriate to use

[Renata Barletto @rennybaybee]

Dealing with these ignorant dummies is like dealing with a bunch of toddlers: don’t get their way, throw a tantrum & make a scene (burning $200 sneakers), tire themselves out, go down for a nap so the adults can get on with the rest of the day 🙄 #JustDoIt #NikeBoycott

[Renata Barletto @rennybaybee]

@agrizzell_ 😂😂😂