蓮 @ EQualithon'ing

Ren ( he/him/his ) • Chinese American • ENG/日本語/français OK | 💗 @graample

[蓮 @ EQualithon'ing @renstreams]

VALIDATION. THE ONLY VALIDATION I NEED. I'M GOING TO KEEP PROGRAMMING. ROARS.

cc: @hinapuff I CARE YOU ALL; SLAPS THIS ON MY FOREHEAD

[蓮 @ EQualithon'ing @renstreams]

Life update: Busy with work. Alive and hanging in there.

I'm trying to find time to juggle everything, but I have to prioritize right now.

Thank you for reaching out and making sure I'm okay. If you're reading this, I probably miss you.

[蓮 @ EQualithon'ing @renstreams]

I only recently found out about this: https://t.co/mHed78kj8q

I'm spending my days crying and feeling relief that there is a space for someone like me.

[蓮 @ EQualithon'ing @renstreams]

I don't really know how to talk about my experience; I just take it for granted - that people will understand - but there's no real language for what is going on with us outside of academia or children's programs.

[蓮 @ EQualithon'ing @renstreams]

The failure from the culture at large to recognize Asian Americans as people of color who experience racism, and not as “honorary whites,” has made it more difficult for many to speak out in the past, she added.

[蓮 @ EQualithon'ing @renstreams]

> The longtime blindness to racism toward Asian Americans has put the community in a unique and difficult position as nonwhites, Kim said. “We’re basically gaslit by our own country,” she said.

[蓮 @ EQualithon'ing @renstreams]

In middle school, a white boy who had a crush on me said "you're like a loli" and that's how ugly and pervasive the exotification and sexualization of East Asian women is. It happens here, within 10 miles of "the most progressive city" in the Bay Area.

Ew.

[蓮 @ EQualithon'ing @renstreams]

Why do they always have to be the ones to stand their ground, to be the fighters? Isn't it time for us to use our voices and speak out against these things, too? The more I catch up on the news, the more I realize how I've been *hiding* to survive.

[蓮 @ EQualithon'ing @renstreams]

When I was in grade school and I went on a family vacation with my parents' friends, some white kids came up to us and started making fun of our eyes. One of my friends, one of the older boys, stood his ground and stomped back "I'll show you 'ching chong'."

[蓮 @ EQualithon'ing @renstreams]

I didn't realize that he already understood what racism was, and must have been dealing with it at school - I just thought he was being cool. The more I read about "casual racism" in the news, the more I'm like...

What are we doing for our Asian American men?

[蓮 @ EQualithon'ing @renstreams]

Watch media made by LGBTQ creators, support them with your dollars: https://t.co/Oix3FC13CL

[蓮 @ EQualithon'ing @renstreams]

I remember learning in film and media studies this concept of the panopticon: That the people in power put in place this structure and they go fuck off and leave someone else in charge. It's really effective, and I'm really trying to unlearn the model minority crap.

[蓮 @ EQualithon'ing @renstreams]

I feel like I'm just talking to myself, trying to disentangle myself from the reality my mother tried to protect me from.

It's a rich white man's world out there and the rest of us are expected to fight over table scraps: Either you play by his rules or ignore him altogether.

[蓮 @ EQualithon'ing @renstreams]

I grew up being taught that there are *tiers* to Asian men. East Asian men at that. There's no mention of Southeast Asian men and god forbid you mention South Asian men. Date a white man, you face yellow fever. Date a black man, you're never speaking to your family again.

[蓮 @ EQualithon'ing @renstreams]

I live in a tech bubble. I live in a coastal bubble.

I see how fearful people are of corporate America. I am learning about people who don't have labor protections.

We came out of a pandemic and we're all trying to continue on like some of us aren't born into trauma.

[蓮 @ EQualithon'ing @renstreams]

Someone who got to be there, fill me in. How was the SEGA charity stream that Greg Chun did? I'd love to hear about the hype and excitement.

[Dawn M. Bennett 🔜 Fan Expo Anaheim @DawnMBennettVA]

Last night, we got to eat at a 110-year-old Japanese mansion under the blood moon.

Yes, all the Zelda jokes were made. 🌝

[Greg Chun - find me on IG! @gregchunva]

#Pride2021 #charity STREAM tomorrow night! Please join me tomorrow night at 6:00 p.m. Pacific. Absolutely no obligation to donate, just bring your positive spirit! For those who *are* and able to give please visit https://t.co/Eapz2r8zfI! #dadgamer #yakuza #judgment @SEGA

[蓮 @ EQualithon'ing @renstreams]

So to anyone who needs a sign that you are enough, take it from someone who feels like they're never queer enough, never smart enough, never American enough: We'll be the change we want to see in this world.

[蓮 @ EQualithon'ing @renstreams]

The more I learn about my own culture, the more I realize that it's something I cannot be a part of without ignoring the fact that everyone else gets mistaken for Chinese or called Chinese out of ignorance.

I grew up hearing racist caricatures about my heritage.

[蓮 @ EQualithon'ing @renstreams]

It'd be easier for me to stay quiet, to be a demure frightened Chinese girl, but that's not who I always was, nor is it who I will be.

When you normalize self-disdain, when you accept the status quo, you let others decide for you who you are, then that is what you internalize.