Toof Bling

Everything here is fictional; based on a true story.

[Toof Bling @RhymesWRocking]

Wife: Are we ready to go to the park?
Me: Yeah I just had to put sunscreen on everybody.
Wife: We only have one child...

Our long-haired dog comes running out of the bathroom covered in SPF 50, immediately throws himself to the ground in the living room and starts rolling around

[Toof Bling @RhymesWRocking]

@thexanaxlady My tweets are so specialized, my only audience is the ghost of my dog and he kind of sucks at Twitter.

He doesn't even have the app.
Or a phone.
Or thumbs.
Or a corporeal form.

[Toof Bling @RhymesWRocking]

Mindfulness Routine

Drink water
Consume fiber and protein
Move with intention
Take short breaks
Limit screen time
Build a bonfire
Spill blood
Burn flesh
Howl, froth, and chant
Salt the earth
Renounce your secret name
Answer the wood and the wild
Wind down
Get to bed on time

[Toof Bling @RhymesWRocking]

Nine Inch Nails (2/2)

I scratched my hole
Above the bowl!
With these long things,
I have no control.

Ten inches- no!
Blacker than coal
There's something wrong
If that's in your stool.

Go down and get a manicure
Or get your hand stuck in manure
(X2)

[Toof Bling @RhymesWRocking]

Nine Inch Nails (1/2)
🎶
Not funny - getting fingers stuck in poo
Not funny - just tell me what I should do
Not funny - some even got on my balls
Not funny - when I'm wiping I use towels

Oh you can't take shit
Oh you can't take shit
Oh you can't take a big shit and pee
(X2)
🎶

[Toof Bling @RhymesWRocking]

@DestryBrod You should've seen the paperwork it took to get this. Just... MILES of red tape.

[Toof Bling @RhymesWRocking]

When I was about that age, I wrote Santa a letter demanding he wake me up because him entering my house while I slept didn't sit right with me. Then I saw the Grinch and immediately started dreading Reverse Santa.

[Toof Bling @RhymesWRocking]

I was so underprivileged as a kid, when I was ten I tried to make a deal with the Tooth Fairy: take 'em all and give me the cash up front, like a payday loan.

[Toof Bling @RhymesWRocking]

I'm what you would call well put-together. I have cold hands but a warm heart and I can't wait for you to pick my brain. I'm 8' tall with big hands and feet. So if we meet, prepare for a treat! Make me laugh; leave me in stitches. We can sit by the—FIRE BAAAD!

Seeking a bride.

[Toof Bling @RhymesWRocking]

For anyone who's been following my tweets over the past 8 hours, please bring some toilet paper. My feet are numb.

[Toof Bling @RhymesWRocking]

D.A.R.E.

Don't
Ask for
Ritalin when your dealer only sells
Ecstasy

D.A.R.E.

Did
A
Rabbit
Exit

D.A.R.E.

Dan
Aykroyd,
Respectable
Entertainer

D.A.R.E.

Damn that
Ass so juicy I want it served
Rare with
Extra steak sauce

D.A.R.E.
To keep kids off drugs.

[Toof Bling @RhymesWRocking]

Watch as I test my heavy mettle playing HEAVY METAL on a HEAVY metal guitar made entirely of heavy METALS while reading Heavy Metal magazine and watching Heavy Metal on VHS.

[Toof Bling @RhymesWRocking]

Bond: Do you exshpect me to talk?
Goldfinger: No, Mister Bond. I expect you to eye.
*Two Hours Under a Laser*
Goldfinger: There you go. 20/20 vision.
Bond: Mushed Oblished

[Toof Bling @RhymesWRocking]

Your air guitar is cute and all, but have you heard my air theremin? The silence is haunting.

[Toof Bling @RhymesWRocking]

I never said I was always right. Things like that shouldn't have to be spoken.

[Toof Bling @RhymesWRocking]

When studying lycanthropes, you must remember the six types of taxonomic prefixes:

Were - Bipedal wolves.
Who - Wolves wearing name tags.
What - Wolfurniture and wolfurnishings.
When - After midnight, usually.
Why - Curiosity killed those.
How - They just couldn't figure it out.

[Toof Bling @RhymesWRocking]

"I don't like sand. It's coarse and rough and irritating and it gets everywhere."

*Dusts off robes*
*GETS. THAT. DIRT OFF HIS SHOULDER*
*Spits mud*
*Shits bricks*
*Has a nosebleed: OOPS! ALL SAND!*
*Sand pours out of Anakin's pores until only a sack of skin remains*

"Waterrr—"

[Toof Bling @RhymesWRocking]

Price is Right Pets

Greyhound: Bob Barker, more like Bob Whimper, amirite?

Labrador: I had a sick 6 year old chase me around the house with a garden spade because of that silver-haired maniac, what happened to you?

Rottweiler: *high pitched* You don't want to know.

[Toof Bling @RhymesWRocking]

She got dunked in a bucket.
Bucket?
Bucket.
I said fuck it.
Fuck it?
Fuck it.
This chore can suck it.
Suck it?
Suck it.
Don't make me sing it again!!!
She got dunked in a bucket.
Bucket?
Bucket.
I said fuck it.
Fuck it?
Fuck it.

Splash or drop!
LET ME SEE THAT MOP!

[Toof Bling @RhymesWRocking]

OOH, that mess so scandalous
& you know that I just can't handle it
When I'm shaking that thing like swish swish
& the look in my eyes is tired as -ish. (UGH)
She likes to dance when I clean up spots
She moves & grooves until I stop
Not just a bin w/ water slop
Livin la vida loca

[Toof Bling @RhymesWRocking]

*Picking out a Persian with a bong in my palm*

"OH. We're going to buy RUGS."