Richard Cornish

Comedy writer. I write jokes so you don’t have to. Writer’s packet: Inquiries: [email protected]

[Richard Cornish @richiec]

Twitter board chairman Elon Musk was criticized Monday for engaging in “brand suicide” after rebranding the social media company as “X.” Said Musk, “The feeling our brand evokes has always been wanting to die.”

[Richard Cornish @richiec]

@PandaExpress Ordered online 25 min ahead, waited 10 min in-store. No food. Had to ask in line—told to go back. Refused service. Absolutely terrible! Lake Ave & Del Mar Blvd. 216 S. Lake Ave., Pasadena, CA 91101. [phone]

[Richard Cornish @richiec]

@CountyofLA Where do we report violators of the county order banning use of leaf blowers? https://t.co/gp9YC3QF3q

[Richard Cornish @richiec]

@skcomedy Hi Steve, thank you for following me back. Your book Hidden Tools made an impact on me, and you liking one of my monologue joke tweets was one of the biggest thrills of my life. Thank you for being a part of my comedy journey.

[Richard Cornish @richiec]

Former representative Matt Gaetz withdrew his nomination Thursday as pick for attorney general. “We’re just as surprised as you that he chose to withdrew,” said all women.

[Richard Cornish @richiec]

President Biden ended his candidacy for re-election Sunday after officials in his own party repeatedly called for him to drop out. Said Democrats, “It’s still technically a victory to defeat yourself.”

[Richard Cornish @richiec]

The inventor of the school backpack and founder of backpack manufacturer JanSport died last month at the age of 80. Said surviving family, “His last wishes were to be shoved into a locker before meeting you at the bike racks after school.”

[Richard Cornish @richiec]

Former President Trump was re-elected president to a second, non-consecutive term Tuesday. Said Americans, “We expect our decision to age just as well as the 78-year-old, winning candidate.”

[Richard Cornish @richiec]

Former President Trump rode rode in a campaign-themed garbage truck Wednesday at a campaign stop in Wisconsin after controversial remarks by President Biden. Said Trump, “You’re never going to find a bigger expert on garbage than me.”

[Richard Cornish @richiec]

Starbucks said Wednesday it would remove its line of olive oil-based drinks from its menu in an effort to simplify. Said the coffee chain, “There are other ways for us to be authentically Italian, like speaking in an exaggerated accent while pinching together our fingers.”

[Richard Cornish @richiec]

Washington Post owner Jeff Bezos wrote an op-ed in his newspaper Monday defending his decision to block the newspaper from endorsing a presidential candidate. Said Bezos, “Running a newspaper is hard, much harder than the penis rocket I rode in on.”

[Richard Cornish @richiec]

A federal judge blocked the merger of two luxury handbag companies Thursday from owning brands Coach, Kate Spade, Michael Kors, Versace, and Jimmy Choo. Said officials, “Competition makes for cheaper handbags, like nine or even eight thousand dollars.”

[Richard Cornish @richiec]

A federal judge ordered former New York City mayor Rudy Giuliani on Tuesday to turn over his Manhattan apartment, furniture, and jewelry to two election workers he defamed. Said Giuliani, “Without my home, where am I going to hang upside down at night to sleep?”

[Richard Cornish @richiec]

An E. coli outbreak linked to McDonald’s Quarter Pounders sickened at least 49 people in 10 states on Tuesday. “It’s a dangerous world when they let anyone come in off the street to make your food,” said former President Trump.

[Richard Cornish @richiec]

Former President Trump worked a brief shift at a McDonald’s restaurant in Pennsylvania on Sunday, scooping fries and serving food in the drive-thru. Said the fast food giant, “McDonald’s is proud to give workers a second chance regardless of their criminal background.”

[Richard Cornish @richiec]

The National Gallery in London said Friday visitors would be required to pass a metal detector after artwork was vandalized with tomato soup. Said security, “There is only one way a can of soup is getting past, and there isn’t enough room for the can opener.”

[Richard Cornish @richiec]

Snack corporation PepsiCo said Tuesday standard bags of Tostitos and Ruffles would contain more chips for the same price after a decline in sales. Said corporations, “Consumers get more of the favorite foods they know and love, like maltodextrin and disodium guanylate.”

[Richard Cornish @richiec]

A review board in Texas reclassified a public library book about a Native American tribe from nonfiction to fiction on Tuesday after an anonymous complaint. Said the board, “If Native Americans were real, then why don’t we see any of them anywhere?”

[Richard Cornish @richiec]

Sleep researchers said Monday they had facilitated an exchange of messages in the dreams of two people while they slept. Said researchers, “People who describe their dreams to others can now do so in the boredom of other people’s dreams.”

[Richard Cornish @richiec]

According to a recent study, young people made up half of new cases of chlaymdia , gonorrhea, and syphilis because of less condom use. Said Generation Z, “We’re sex positive, body positive, and more importantly, HIV positive.”