Machine Gun Smelly

me/mer

@rickishman on IG

[Machine Gun Smelly @rickishman]

It would be so embarrassing to get swine flu right now

[Machine Gun Smelly @rickishman]

Recently @JustinTrudeau claimed the unv*ccinated are "often racist" and wondered whether we should "tolerate" them. Not only is this ludicrous, intentionally divisive, and vile, it's also a great opportunity to remind everyone that this is a man who DID BLACKFACE SEVERAL TIMES

[Machine Gun Smelly @rickishman]

How is "Ring-O Star" not British slang for butthole?

[Machine Gun Smelly @rickishman]

The next James Bond is going to be a woman. I can't wait to hear the Bond-boy's name. I'm thinking "Dick Saplenty."

[ben mckay ! @ben23yearsold]

For legal reasons I’m going to jail

[Machine Gun Smelly @rickishman]

White reggae is just Christian Rock for people with crabs

[Machine Gun Smelly @rickishman]

Lol @ Only Fans blue-balling their puritan investors.

[Machine Gun Smelly @rickishman]

I get so annoyed when someone asks me to work at work

[Machine Gun Smelly @rickishman]

Only Fans has announced their new model: a blank screen you pay $20 a month to jerk off to

[Machine Gun Smelly @rickishman]

Whenever someone tells me they started comedy during the pandemic I like to hit them with an eye roll and an "ok zoomer."

[Machine Gun Smelly @rickishman]

The only certainties in life are death and taxes and the new girl at your job using the bathroom right after you poop

[Machine Gun Smelly @rickishman]

@WillKristiansen Personally attacked or whatever

[Machine Gun Smelly @rickishman]

1 out of every 3 Bob Dylan songs are like "You're looking for a man who will treat you well? Sorry bitch!"

[Machine Gun Smelly @rickishman]

I'm not saying working on an oil rig is easy, I'm just saying none of the stoners from my high school ever worked as an astronaut in Alberta for the summer to pay off their gambling debts

[Machine Gun Smelly @rickishman]

Never forget that the movie Armageddon is predicated on the idea that it's easier to teach oil rig workers how to be astronauts than it is to teach astronauts how to dig a hole

[Machine Gun Smelly @rickishman]

Never forget that the movie Armageddon is predicated on the idea that it's easier to teach oil rig workers how to be astronauts than it is to teach astronauts how to dig a hole

[Machine Gun Smelly @rickishman]

@stephbabyneale The best *chefs kiss*

[Machine Gun Smelly @rickishman]

Every winery, brewery, and bar I've ever worked at has had antacids in the first aid kit and I think it's cool the first aid people are sympathetic to how often people in those industries work hungover

[Machine Gun Smelly @rickishman]

My brother's puppy just lifted his leg to pee for the first time and I'm disproportionately proud. I'm calling it his little doggy bark mitzvah. I'm going to give a speech at lunch.

[Machine Gun Smelly @rickishman]

@WillKristiansen Looool

[Machine Gun Smelly @rickishman]

In Sonoma County you can actually get a ticket if you're not drunk texting while you're driving slow in the left lane

[Machine Gun Smelly @rickishman]

@yesikandrews Alright fine but how come it shoots cum?

[Machine Gun Smelly @rickishman]

Look. It's not his fault dicks are aerodynamic.

[Machine Gun Smelly @rickishman]

@yesikandrews But why'd he put a head on it 🤔