Rob Brackenridge

Standup comedian

[Rob Brackenridge @robbrackenridge]

What’s the difference between Shakespeare and the Packers? With Shakespeare Romeo tries to find love, with the Packers Love tries to find Romeo.

[Rob Brackenridge @robbrackenridge]

Smack dab in the middle was invented before smack and dabs were names for drugs

[Rob Brackenridge @robbrackenridge]

#NewProfilePic

[Rob Brackenridge @robbrackenridge]

The reason why they put Lenin’s body in a glass coffin; remains to be seen.

[Rob Brackenridge @robbrackenridge]

I’m starting a program that helps narcissistic people acclimate back into society. I’m calling it “Narce-Assist”.

[Rob Brackenridge @robbrackenridge]

I’ve been practicing social distancing so long now I think I’m ready to go professional.

[Rob Brackenridge @robbrackenridge]

We should change shaking hands into “jazz hands” for a greeting.
That way we could still call it “shaking hands”.

[Rob Brackenridge @robbrackenridge]

#NewProfilePic

[Rob Brackenridge @robbrackenridge]

Pick and Save is not an appitising name for a food store. it sounds like what you do when you run out of Kleenex. Same can be said for Jack in the Box. Yes, I made it dirty.

[Rob Brackenridge @robbrackenridge]

If “Halfass” Is an insult, then “Fullass” should be a complement;
“He did a fullass job on that project.”
“Yeah, he really J.Loed it!”

[Rob Brackenridge @robbrackenridge]

The passengers on the diamond princess cruise ship in Japan have to be quarantined in their cabins for two weeks. If they survive they are given $2000 as compensation. Said the comedian on board, “so, no change in schedule?”
#cruisecomics

[Rob Brackenridge @robbrackenridge]

Great, I’ve been calling the bathroom my Stankshuary. Now I gotta come up with a new word for a stinky sanctuary.

[Rob Brackenridge @robbrackenridge]

I’m doing a full 360 this year. That’s my New Year’s Revolution.

[Rob Brackenridge @robbrackenridge]

2020 will be the year of hindsight, because hindsight is 2020.

[Rob Brackenridge @robbrackenridge]

A professional black bird that costs one English pound is a quid pro crow

[Rob Brackenridge @robbrackenridge]

They should start a gym that just works on gluts... call it “Fitness in yer butt”

[Rob Brackenridge @robbrackenridge]

Ken Jeong should not name his first CD “Ken Jeong -un.”

[Rob Brackenridge @robbrackenridge]

Once you’ve seen one guy eaten by a bear you’ve seen a maul.

[Rob Brackenridge @robbrackenridge]

I’m going to quit eating cold turkey. Ironically, I will be tapering off slowly.

[Rob Brackenridge @robbrackenridge]

Great name for a band;
“Conscious Effort”