And finally, the number-one selling doll this Christmas is "Tickle Me Elmo."
And the least popular selling doll?
You guessed it: Tickle Me Frank Stallone.
Doctor Jack Kevorkian was responsible for another death this week, this time a fifty-eight year old woman. She is the twenty-sixth of Kevorkian's patients to die since 1990.
(Norm shakes his head sadly, in disgust)
When are people going to realize? He is NOT a good doctor!
In San Francisco last week, a birthday party for one of the area's leading political figures - attended by the city's Mayor, Sheriff, and members of the board of supervisors - culminated with a performance in which a dominatrix used a razor blade to carve a satanic star into the back of her male partner, then urinated on him, before finally sodomizing the man with a liquor bottle.
After learning of the incident from press reports, San Franciscans expressed shock and outrage that the liquor bottle was not recycled.
And now, Weekend Update would like to wish a happy birthday to comic legend George Burns, who turned one hundred years old today.
(We get a long round of cheers and applause from the audience.)
You know, I don't know the secret to his longevity, but I think I speak for all of us when I say I hope Pauly Shore doesn't know it either.
Well, filming has finally begun on the long-awaited life story of Evita Peron, starring pop singer Madonna.
According to its producers, the film is one hundred percent historically accurate - except for the part where Mrs. Peron has group sex with the Houston Rockets.
In Duluth, Minnesota, authorities suspect arson was to blame for a fire that destroyed a mobile home, and killed seventy-three cats.
The chief suspect so far? This dog.
(the audience laughs sparingly at this one, almost mockingly. So Norm just holds his smile and keeps trying to sell the joke)
Dogs don't care for cats much, you know?
And finally... in Burien, Washington, elementary school teacher Mary Kay Letourneau pled guilty this week to having sex with a sixth-grade student, whose child she bore in May.
Miss Letourneau has been branded as a sex offender. Or, as the kids refer to her, "the greatest teacher ever!"