Robert King

Writer/Actor/Dad @TheDad | Writer @TheChaseABC | Co-Head Writer for #UpEarlyTonight on @Hulu

[Robert King @RobKingOfficial]

@joshhart NY loves you too. (Now plz don’t go to the White House.)

[Robert King @RobKingOfficial]

@AurinSquire My favorite part is that we’ll be “left with some real idiots” as if that would be a departure from our current situation.

[Robert King @RobKingOfficial]

Every recipe online starts like this:

“The first time I fell in love with flavorful chicken dishes I was sitting on my Grandpappy’s front porch. The lightnin’ bugs were out in full force on account of the crick rising that spring…”

JUST TELL ME HOW TO MAKE THE DAMN THING!

[Robert King @RobKingOfficial]

@KirkWrites79 Truly don’t understand anyone that doesn’t. I��m sure some freaks (re:geniuses) can do it, but I HAVE to outline before going to script.

[Robert King @RobKingOfficial]

Can’t wait for the next heavyweight boxing match when Mr. Beast takes on the remains of Muhammad Ali. #TysonPaul

[Robert King @RobKingOfficial]

Sit the starters now. Embarrass them. Piss them off. Win two in a row at home. #Knicks #Pacers #NBAPlayoffs2024

[Robert King @RobKingOfficial]

My son has his first lockdown drill at school today.

Hey Siri, play ‘Proud to be an American.’

[Robert King @RobKingOfficial]

I’m going to bed!

[Robert King @RobKingOfficial]

Grandpa, how’d you make your fortune?

Well dear, I bet it all on Taylor Swift wearing the color purple at Super Bowl LVIII.

President Swift?

Yes, dear, President Swift.

[Robert King @RobKingOfficial]

Brandon Staley just updated his #LinkedIn profile. #Chargers #LACvsLV

[Robert King @RobKingOfficial]

They didn’t call PA cuz passes to Valdez-Scantling are automatically “unable to catch”. #ChiefsKingdom #GreenBay

[Robert King @RobKingOfficial]

Dear @saquon , the writers and actors stand behind. Come on down to the picket lines and join us on #strike. We ALL deserve to get PAID! @WGAWest @WGAEast @sagaftra @NFL #paysaquan #NYGiants

[Robert King @RobKingOfficial]

My account was hacked and I haven't had access to Twitter in three months. What did I miss? Is Obama still president?

[Robert King @RobKingOfficial]

“We don’t put our feet in food.”

#ThingsISayNowAsAParent

[Robert King @RobKingOfficial]

The day I stop trying to sing all the lines to @barenakedladies “One Week” will be the day I die.

[Robert King @RobKingOfficial]

People with tickets to LeBron's NEXT game right now:
#Lakers

[Robert King @RobKingOfficial]

Wow! Drew Bledsoe is still mad at @TomBrady! 😬

[Robert King @RobKingOfficial]

Back to the Future 4: Marty McFly goes back in time to stop his kids from posting a cringey Tik Tok video that will get them canceled.

[Robert King @RobKingOfficial]

My wife: How did he die?

Coroner: He...let his inbox get too full.

[Robert King @RobKingOfficial]

I wonder if it would’ve helped having Mike Williams during the second half. #FireStaley