Brendan Ronayne

[Brendan Ronayne @ronaynebrendan]

Sibling relationships are funny. I'd give you a kidney, but you ain't borrowing my charger.

[Brendan Ronayne @ronaynebrendan]

When I was young, you could go to the shop with 50p and come home with Mars bar, ice-cream, two packets of crisps and a bag of sweets,

But not anymore - they have cameras everywhere these days.

[Brendan Ronayne @ronaynebrendan]

I used to have a passion for selling computer parts.
Sadly, not anymore - I lost my drive.

[Brendan Ronayne @ronaynebrendan]

I'm writing a book about all the things I should have done.
It's my oughtobiography

[Brendan Ronayne @ronaynebrendan]

When I was young, old people at weddings used to poke me and laugh, and say, you're next.

So, I started doing the same to them at funerals.

[Brendan Ronayne @ronaynebrendan]

The difference between 2025 and 1990, is the same as the difference between 1990 and 1955.

Anyway, have a nice day.

[Brendan Ronayne @ronaynebrendan]

I'm writing a book about beer.
I'm on my 4th draft.

[Brendan Ronayne @ronaynebrendan]

Yesterday, I opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time.

I got a pretty big shock.

[Brendan Ronayne @ronaynebrendan]

My wife and I often laugh about how competitive we are.
I laugh harder than she does though.

[Brendan Ronayne @ronaynebrendan]

If your wife is angry with you, buy a new bike.
She'll still be angry with you, but at least you'll have a new bike.

[Brendan Ronayne @ronaynebrendan]

Wish me luck with the London Marathon on Sunday. Last year I managed 3 hours 27 minutes. This year I'm trying to beat that, but I usually get bored and turn the TV over.

[Brendan Ronayne @ronaynebrendan]

I wanted to marry a carbon 14 expert, but all she wanted to do was date.

[Brendan Ronayne @ronaynebrendan]

I have a fear of speed-bumps.
But I'm slowly getting over it.

[Brendan Ronayne @ronaynebrendan]

If your wife is mad at you, buy a new bike.
She'll still be made at you, but at least you'll have a new bike.

[Brendan Ronayne @ronaynebrendan]

I've spent my entire life savings on pasta.
It was worth every penne.

[Brendan Ronayne @ronaynebrendan]

My wife is furious at our neighbour who sunbathes naked in her back garden.
I'm sitting on the fence on this one.

[Brendan Ronayne @ronaynebrendan]

I used to go out with a tennis player, but we broke up.
Love meant nothing to her.

[Brendan Ronayne @ronaynebrendan]

My girlfriend keeps accusing me of cheating.
She's starting to sound like my wife.

[Brendan Ronayne @ronaynebrendan]

For the past 20 years I've been getting a valentine's card from the same secret admirer, but got nothing on Friday.

I'm pretty upset about it, and I'm having a terrible year to be honest. First my Granny died, and now this.

[Brendan Ronayne @ronaynebrendan]

BBC Sport: "Leyton Orient have been first to every second ball, they’ve shown desire - everything you need in an FA Cup tie."

But doesn't that mean Man City have been first to every second ball too? #BBCFootball #ManCity #fa