Ronnie Glenn Williams

If you invite me to your party, you better have a pet I can hang with

[Ronnie Glenn Williams @ronniesayshello]

Fogo de Chao, for when you’re doing alright financially and want to show your peers by paying a lot just to get diarrhea

[Ronnie Glenn Williams @ronniesayshello]

Dear insecure conservatives, you’re not going to catch gay. We freaking wish we could, we’ve been trying for years. Think about how amazing it would be to both look phenomenal and also never have to worry about where a girl wants to eat

[Ronnie Glenn Williams @ronniesayshello]

Just wondering how long it’s going to take before we start recognizing ‘emotional support vapes’ as people board airplanes

[Ronnie Glenn Williams @ronniesayshello]

I am both bummed and excited that ‘Kool-Aid Man Randy Savage’ was already a thing on the internet. I really snoozed on that one.

[Ronnie Glenn Williams @ronniesayshello]

Getting older means that Taylor Swift songs hit a different way. No, I don’t want to read Steinbeck, I want to decipher these feelings over her using the f-bomb.

[Ronnie Glenn Williams @ronniesayshello]

My Uber just arrived in a Tesla, unaware that I’m gonna bring down the value of his car within just a matter of minutes

[Ronnie Glenn Williams @ronniesayshello]

Wereanxious, it’s where I bite you and on the next full moon you wonder why your best friend is mad at you for no reason

[Ronnie Glenn Williams @ronniesayshello]

I’ve been referring to gravy as ‘turkey lube’ and nobody wants to invite me to Thanksgiving next year

[Ronnie Glenn Williams @ronniesayshello]

New Nickelback sounds like the soundtrack to white privilege

[Ronnie Glenn Williams @ronniesayshello]

You know it’s time to reassess how you’ve been living life when you realize how many stories you have that end with ‘so that’s when I woke up in a Burger King ball pit’

[Ronnie Glenn Williams @ronniesayshello]

Everyone in Portland, Maine looks like a barista that collects artisanal mayonnaises

[Ronnie Glenn Williams @ronniesayshello]

Seagulls are just party doves

[Ronnie Glenn Williams @ronniesayshello]

A hotel’s no-smoking policy only means cigarettes, it has nothing to do with spare ribs; I read the fine print so you wouldn’t have to.

[Ronnie Glenn Williams @ronniesayshello]

Walking into a smoking bar is like having a time machine, but only using using it to find Clear Pepsi and cassette tapes. Like a Delorean fueled by Marlboro Reds and old Motley Crüe tee shirts

[Ronnie Glenn Williams @ronniesayshello]

Yes, I am fully aware that I give off big, ‘this guy has cats,’ vibes

[Ronnie Glenn Williams @ronniesayshello]

Stop teaching the pthagorean theorem in public schools, we will never use that shit; start teaching proper escalator etiquette instead

[Ronnie Glenn Williams @ronniesayshello]

While looking at dinosaur bones, I watched as one kid stared in excitement and another played on their tablet; guess which one of them is going to be a successful influencer? Should’ve pushed that kid over.

[Ronnie Glenn Williams @ronniesayshello]

I watched a guy eat soup at a comedy show tonight, I will never be the same

[Ronnie Glenn Williams @ronniesayshello]

My mom still tells me I can be anything I want to be; I think she’s trying to get me to take a hint

[Ronnie Glenn Williams @ronniesayshello]

Just googled Wild ‘N Out, I feel like I should go back to sleep; 300 years seems appropriate