Roommate Carl

I'm @dmadill001's roommate. This is stuff I said, as recorded by him.

[Roommate Carl @roommatecarl]

"I'm just one pink nerd in a purple box."
-Carl

[Roommate Carl @roommatecarl]

@lydivaburnz I'm trying to find that list of Haughton tweets you put together after senior year. Do you still have that?

[Roommate Carl @roommatecarl]

@JoshACorman I didn't know you were on Hey Kentucky. Pretty cool!

[Roommate Carl @roommatecarl]

Houston should have defended the inbounds pass... as a UK fan I know that much!

[Roommate Carl @roommatecarl]

"I think Hitler read the book of Esther and was like 'Hey I could do that.'"
-Stephen

[Roommate Carl @roommatecarl]

"The new Candy Land game doesn't have Mr Plum! Do you know what kind of sadism that is?"
-Carl

[Roommate Carl @roommatecarl]

Happy Cinco de Mayo from Roommate Carlos!

[Roommate Carl @roommatecarl]

"I just walked in and said, 'It smells like dank Chinese food in here.'"
-Carl

[Roommate Carl @roommatecarl]

"Why don't we just call cadavers people?"
-Carl

[Roommate Carl @roommatecarl]

"I keep thinking like Immanuel Kant! I Kant get him out of my mind!"
-Carl

[Roommate Carl @roommatecarl]

"I'm sorry it smells funky in here. I've been burning the hair off my arm because I'm stressed... I swear it was nothing I ate."
-Carl

[Roommate Carl @roommatecarl]

"I just spent forty minutes on this problem and you know what I did wrong? I didn't read the directions."
-Carl

[Roommate Carl @roommatecarl]

"I've got my jelly beans and my two liter and it's life as usual."
-Carl

[Roommate Carl @roommatecarl]

"I'm going to apply to Papa John's. They will mold me into an even better pizza maker. I will be made in the image of John."
-Carl

[Roommate Carl @roommatecarl]

"Hola. I am dying, David. I am dying slowly."
-Carl

[Roommate Carl @roommatecarl]

@goodlett25 : "Seppuku!!!"
*Jabs fake sword into belly*
Carl: "It's Sudoku."

[Roommate Carl @roommatecarl]

"Try not to give your pastor a physical handicap. I did that once."
-Carl

[Roommate Carl @roommatecarl]

"I'm telling ya, we really need to make the transition to 2-ply. 1-ply is just not cutting it right now."
-Carl

[Roommate Carl @roommatecarl]

"I'm gonna go make some pizzas for some filthy commoners, and then I'll be back."
-Carl

[Roommate Carl @roommatecarl]

"Although to be fair, I usually just pick a team."
-Carl

[Roommate Carl @roommatecarl]

"Brought to you by a Hail Mary pass. Or perhaps an onside kick gone wrong."
-Carl