matt

dark and twisted emo prince

[matt @ruffledsavior]

my new pickup line is i'm not very good at this, i'm full of the unmarketable kind of awkwardness that ends with 'please go'

[matt @ruffledsavior]

there's no point to even wearing a chastity cage because my cock is so unthreatening. read that again

[matt @ruffledsavior]

when i was in high school i used to get really stoned before hanging out with my girlfriend so that i'd have an excuse for my dick not working

[matt @ruffledsavior]

have gay sex with me, i must be dreaming

[matt @ruffledsavior]

everyone has a soulmate. even me. even though i got some fucked up shit going on

[matt @ruffledsavior]

@kateslop

[matt @ruffledsavior]

if i had a girlfriend i'd have her tell people i'm 6'5

[matt @ruffledsavior]

i'm only 5'10 but in heels i get a huge boner

[matt @ruffledsavior]

@MattLuceen this has happened to me in real life

[matt @ruffledsavior]

i finally figured out how to get a girlfriend. i got a jug of water to keep in my bathroom and when a girl i like comes over i'll pretend to go pee, but actually dump gallons of water into the toilet so she thinks i have a big penis

[matt @ruffledsavior]

@RafeGuttman now why would i wear women's clothing

[matt @ruffledsavior]

being extremely performative in a cafe but i'm ugly so it's not working

[matt @ruffledsavior]

@bashu_thanks her butt on my neener

[matt @ruffledsavior]

can i still be straight if the thought of her making it clap makes me wince

[matt @ruffledsavior]

jesus christ i either can't get hard or i cum in a millisecond. kind of a damned if you do damned if you don't situation

[matt @ruffledsavior]

@RafeGuttman it's not easy having sex with men when you're straight

[matt @ruffledsavior]

when i get a boner from looking at or thinking about a woman, i immediately call my boyfriend so we can have sex, and it's not gay because the boner is incidental rather than causally related

[matt @ruffledsavior]

i'm a repressed homosexual which basically means if you're a woman and you make my penis move i can't let go of you forever

[matt @ruffledsavior]

@iloveecharlie got rid of it

[matt @ruffledsavior]

the truth is i tried being gay but no one wanted to give me any dick so i came back to being straight